Well there are a lot of things I dont understand. But something happened with my best friend that seriously shocked me. So were doing a color run tomorrow, which we signed up for months ago, and now shes telling me she doesnt want to go with me. Why? Because my family has chosen to be supportive and come see me do the run. Thats why. She just wants me. She said if my family is there she wont have her best friend. And that she really needs me right now. Ok, I get it, you need your best friend, and I will be there. But i told her before, I told them I would just see them after for 20 min. Is 20 min really that hard to wrap your head around?? You NEED me so much that 20 min is going to take away ALL of my time?? Who are you to make me choose to go with my family or not. Like she basically was saying she would give my stuff to her mom and go run with her. Really??? REALLY? I pay $40 and we make a whole plan of a day and now the night before you pull this on me?? I just wanted to scream when I saw the text. I was at work, my first thought was to si. Sad right? Like I dont understand why everyone makes me choose. Why does everyone think I HAVE to be there for them?? She calls me crying, says shes having a hard time, says she needs me, makes me give her 110% attention and I gladly give it. By all means were best friends. Thats how it should be. But its not. What about when I need YOU? What about when I feel like my world is falling apart? What about when I make mistakes with people I said id never hang out with? What about the aggression, anger, fear, and need that I take out on my own body?? What about all of that?? Who do I have to talk to? NO ONE. So I guess this friendship has always been one sided. Im sure I knew it. I knew it all along. My “great friend” has ended up being a selfish little girl. It drives me crazy that Im always there for her. I reply to any text asap. I make time out of my busy schedule to be there for her. But when I send a text that says Im having a rough time I get a “im sorry” in reply. Im not saying I want her to give me a lecture. I just want her to ask why. Know that Im feeling lousy. Know that I Need my best friend too!!!!!! I DONT KNOW. After all that she expects me to be 100% fine?? I cant. I just want to cry. I just want to cry and si. And to top it off my stupid computer is being slow!! Like I dont know. I wish I could just be alone. I dont want anyone. I want to si and be alone. I want to listen to my music and si, and cry. I wont. I promised myself a long time ago I wouldnt SI over anyone. I that was my one rule. Its the one rule I wont break. I dont si because of anyone specifically. So I wont Si. Not tonight. Because I cant let someone have THAT much control over me. I wont let that happen. But at the same time I just want to. I just need to feel ok again. I need to be ok. I dont want to cry. Crying doesnt help. I just want someone to tell me I’ll be ok. That Im not losing the closest friend I have. The one I could actually let loose and be me. Idk. I hate feeling like this. I hate letting somoene have this much effect on my mood. I was totally ok too. I had been ok for a while. The urges and thoughts of SI were always there. They never went away. They never do. But I dont know. I cant believe I let someone do this to me. I just need to go to sleep. I need to stop thinking. I need to be numb. Ha I know what would fix that.
I had a very similar experience as you. I had a friend who I would drop everything for, and what made it worse was that most of her problems were caused by her (in other words, they were her fault). I eventually got so worn out that my anxiety symptoms did the talking for me and I was so stressed out, angry, and resentful of her that I finally told her that I was just done with our friendship. There is one thing I regret about all of that: I never set good boundaries with this individual, or when I tried, I became afraid and never stuck with them. Ever since then, I have learned my lesson, believe me. If I’m tired, I don’t pick up my phone. I don’t talk to anyone. I have been so not okay lately that I have set boundaries with one of my friends who used to talk with me about her problems more times a week than not. So I told her: once a week talking, that’s it. It sounds harsh, but I knew that if I did not do that, I would be of no help to her. The good thing is, she completely understood why I did what I did, and it has worked out great for us. It sounds to me like you have some very very hard problems with setting boundaries with this individual, and are feeling angry. It’s hard when you want the person who you help with her problems, to help you with your problems, and you don’t get that help. My advice to you is this: set some kind of boundary with her that works for you. I will warn you that she will most likely be angry with you, because she is probably used to you being there for her whenever she needs you. If she truly is a good friend, she will understand. Regardless of what happens, stick to your word and don’t back out, because then you might as well have just not said anything in the first place. Keep in mind: boundaries are not selfish. Why? Let me tell you about one of my friends. He is one of the most caring individuals I have ever met, yet he has some of the best boundaries I have ever seen, asking me to call him only at certain times. How can this even be possible? Because when we talk, he has the energy, the time, and is able to give me his full attention, that he would not be able to give me if he was there for me whenever I wanted him to be. Thoughtspiller, here is what I am trying to tell you through all of this experience: if you set boundaries with people when you begin to feel angry, tired, upset, etc., you will have the energy, time, and be able to give people your full attention when you do talk with them without feeling those negative emotions. I just wanted to let you know this before you made the same mistake I did and got so worn out you just decided to end the friendship entirely without trying to set some kind of boundary first. Some people are truly unhealthy though, and it is better to just not have them in your life at all. Only you can make that call though.
im proud of you that you wont self injure over someone that would do that to you. this reminds me of an old friend of mine who actually used to come over bc i was the only friend of hers that didnt do drugs but all she would do was talk about how terrible her and her boyfriend were doing. and i would hug her and comfort her. but when i need someone to do that to me she actually said “wow my life gets better the same time yours gets bad” or stuff in my relationship she would compare her relationship to mine. i hated it