Well there are a lot of things I dont understand.  But something happened with my best friend that seriously shocked me.   So were doing a color run tomorrow, which we signed up for months ago, and now shes telling me she doesnt want to go with me.  Why?  Because my family has chosen to be supportive and come see me do the run.  Thats why.  She just wants me.  She said if my family is there she wont have her best friend.  And that she really needs me right now.  Ok, I get it, you need your best friend, and I will be there.  But i told her before, I told them I would just see them after for 20 min.  Is 20 min really that hard to wrap your head around??  You NEED me so much that 20 min is going to take away ALL of my time?? Who are you to make me choose to go with my family or not.  Like she basically was saying she would give my stuff to her mom and go run with her.  Really??? REALLY? I pay $40 and we make a whole plan of a day and now the night before you pull this on me??  I just wanted to scream  when I saw the text.  I was at work, my first thought was to si.  Sad right?  Like I dont understand why everyone makes me choose.  Why does everyone think I HAVE to be there for them??  She calls me crying, says shes having a hard time, says she needs me, makes me give her 110% attention and I gladly give it.  By all means were best friends.  Thats how it should be.  But its not.  What about when I need YOU?  What about when I feel like my world is falling apart?  What about when I make mistakes with people I said id never hang out with?  What about the aggression, anger, fear, and need that I take out on my own body?? What about all of that?? Who do I have to talk to?  NO ONE.  So I guess this friendship has always been one sided.  Im sure I knew it.  I knew it all along.  My “great friend” has ended up being a selfish little girl.  It drives me crazy that Im always there for her.  I reply to any text asap.  I make time out of my busy schedule to be there for her.  But when I send a text that says Im having a rough time I get a “im sorry” in reply.  Im not saying I want her to give me a lecture.  I just want her to ask why.  Know that Im feeling lousy.  Know that I Need my best friend too!!!!!!  I DONT KNOW.  After all that she expects me to be 100% fine??  I cant.  I just want to cry.  I just want to cry and si.  And to top it off my stupid computer is being slow!! Like I dont know. I wish I could just be alone.  I dont want anyone.  I want to si and be alone.  I want to listen to my music and si, and cry.  I wont.  I promised myself a long time ago I wouldnt SI over anyone.  I that was my one rule.  Its the one rule I wont break.  I dont si because of anyone specifically. So I wont Si.  Not tonight.  Because I cant let someone have THAT much control over me.  I wont let that happen.  But at the same time I just want to.  I just need to feel ok again.  I need to be ok.  I dont want to cry.  Crying doesnt help.  I just want someone to tell me I’ll be ok.  That Im not losing the closest friend I have.  The one I could actually let loose and be me.  Idk.  I hate feeling like this.  I hate letting somoene have this much effect on my mood.  I was totally ok too.  I had been ok for a while.  The urges and thoughts of SI were always there.  They never went away.  They never do.  But I dont know.  I cant believe I let someone do this to me.  I just need to go to sleep.  I need to stop thinking.  I need to be numb. Ha I know what would fix that.