So this is from a journal entry I wrote a while ago but I thought I’d share an experience.

We went to an assembly at school about bullying. Ii was a physiologist/actor that did different characters to show different versions of bullying and he came last year too. I sat next my ex boyfriend at the time. The guy did various characters, a kid in kinder-garden that tends to talk a lot and gets in trouble, a girl that had an eating disorder, a guy that is a loner, a mexican guy that is abused by his parents, a gay college football star, and a kid in a wheelchair with Cerebral Palsy. At first he makes everyone laugh but as the assembly went on he got really serious. I cried on my ex’s shoulder and he cried with me. When the guy was acting as the kid with cerebral palsy he made a story that went on the lines as this “I was at the store and a little kid was making faces at me, you know that ones that look like this (does the face) and his mom smacked him in the head and said ‘I raised you better than that! Dont you ever make a face like that ever again at the boy! You know why? God will punish you and make you look like him!’ I wasn’t upset over the kid making faces b/c im used to that. I was upset b/c his mom made me feel like i was punished by looking the way i am. That God made me look like this for a reason. I was upset then but now im not b/c i know that i’m beautiful”  the actor/physiologic then told us to look at the person next to you and tell them they are beautiful. So i turned to my ex and told him he was beautiful and he did the same and he looked straight into my eyes and had a smile on his face like he was looking at the most amazing thing in the world. The guy then said look at the other person next to you but me and him just looked at eachother and said it again.

I then realized later that he only said it b/c he was suppose to say it. He was told to. I should have never taken it seriously! I can’t find love and I don’t think I ever live. i just want to SI all the time and end my life. I have no reason to live but no reason to die either. I wish someone telling me that I was beautiful was enough to make me feel better but its not. I don’t feel beautiful and i never will.