Today I had an anxiety attack and I broke down in front of a lot of people. I was at school and it was really embarrassing Then I got in a fight with my dad and I got another anxiety attack. It took me about 3 hours of going in and out of sobbing to finally calm down enough that my hands aren’t shaking so violently that I couldn’t write. Tomorrow I’m getting my medications changed again. I’m on mood stabilizers and I’m probably going to get antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications. I really don’t want more medications because I don’t want to not be me anymore, you know? I’m just a sort of wreck right now. I promised my boyfriend that I wouldn’t do anything (SI) before Friday. (We set goals, then when I reach that goal, we make a new one.) I have kept that promise well, but it’s a struggle. I’m having a hard week. I just need to sleep I think. I haven’t been sleeping well. I have so much homework I can’t sleep yet, but my dad says I have to go to bed at ten no matter what because he knows lack of sleeps makes my mood drop. I’m currently writing slam poetry. This has been an epiphany of mine. Reciting slam poetry, for me, has the same effects as SI used to be for me (only it doesn’t involve being hurt in the process. It’s healthier.) My therapist says she has never had anyone find an exact replacement that is healthy that is actually a good alternative and works. I’m pretty sure that there are things like that for everyone out there. Little passions that can help you through the day. Yours may not be the same as mine, it could be completely different, but I know that there is something for you. It will always get better. That’s what I’m telling myself even though today was awful. It always get better.
Trust me. It always does. Just get through today. Then get through tomorrow and so on. Eventually, it won’t be “getting through” the days anymore, it will be enjoying the day. It will get better.