Okay this is too much in two weeks. What is going on?
It’s insane I actually think I am happier than I have been in a very long time so why am I doing this? It makes no sense to me. Maybe I am afraid to be happy. Maybe I don’t know what to do when things get a little uncomfortable between me and the boyfriend. Logically I understand that things cannot always be perfect between he and I. But anytime there is any discord between us I get worried. My happiness is going to leave. Why is my happiness wrapped up in him anyway? Am I not complete person without him? Capable of creating my own happiness?
I analyze every statement he makes, every thing he does. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Why do I feel this way all the time? What is wrong with me?
I am a very well educated intelligent smart person. Why can I not figure out how to deal with and express my emotions in a logical manner?????
Many times, I think intelligence has nothing to do with expressing emotions. I once had a professor in one of my classes talking about the importance of saying how you feel right away before it just builds up and winds up causing more damage in the long run. He went on to say that little kids are great at expressing emotions. The example he gave was that when someone hurts a child, what happens? They cry. Allow me to apply this to intelligence. Crying is a characteristic of all children, regardless of intelligence level. So, in that case, intelligence has nothing to do with expressing emotions. I have heard some kids who are mentally challenged tell some others just how angry they have made them, or whatever. I myself am quite smart, but when it comes to expressing myself, I become afraid and shut down most of the time. This is because when I expressed emotion when I was younger, I was made fun of, told to stop acting “like a two-year-old”, or just got yelled at. So, not a lot of positive, helpful attention was given to me. I think messages like these, plus other events that happen, cause many to not be able to express themselves emotionally. It has nothing to do with intelligence. Like anything else, expressing emotion in a healthy way has to be something that you have to learn how to do. So, I wouldn’t be hard on yourself about not being able to do that.
Thank you, Tranquil. I had the same experience with emotion as a child as you. I was punished for showing emotion. I was not allowed to have emotions. I was to be in the background. Unheard.
I agree that it’s these things plus other experiences that frame the way in which we learn to behave.
It’s just still so frustrating. AFTER the fact, I can sit down and analyze the why behind the behavior. I can see that my anger and the SI is really just a mask for the fear, and hurt, and insecurities I don’t know how to cope with.
Other than what we talked about on the other thread with respect to having an accountability partner, what other things have you tried that have helped you? I need something that will help me stop and pause before I actually SI. Sometimes (lately) it’s too late before I tell someone. THANK YOU!!!!!
Besides accountability, writing. I am a huge writer. I’m not talking about stories or anything (I’m not that creative). However, I email a lot. What I will do is type out an email to one of my friends explaining my feelings and the situation or situations behind them if they don’t already know what is going on. Many of these friends I type at do not know about my SI. All they know is that I’ve had a bad day. Just telling them how I’m feeling usually gets it out there enough for me to calm down enough, knowing that they will read it and respond at some point. The problem is when my fear of bothering people gets in the way though. I’m still trying to figure out that one. I’m very very good about respecting the boundaries of others regarding their time limitations and things like that. I completely understand that and know what it’s like to be worn out by people who need your help. Listening to music helps, and so does reading. Lately though, it’s been really bad. I’ll post more about that here soon, for I know my posts have been somewhat vague regarding my bad triggers lately. Let me know if there is any other way I can help!