Tonight I SI’d. I’m in complete and utter shock, really…it’s been years. I’m not upset, not down, my life is looking up and things had finally been going right for me. So why did I hurt myself?! I don’t know. This feeling is so indescribable. The action didn’t feel the same to me as it did all those years ago either: no pent-up energy, no adrenaline, no satisfaction and no release followed. For once, SI did not serve its purpose. Is this a good thing?
Subconsciously I think I might know a reason or two for this unexpected episode. My recent success handling SI has been partly due to a change in meds. I changed meds and have had amazing results; my mood has completely shifted so that my emotions and actions are in sync with that of a “normal” person. However, I’ve gained substantial weight from the medicine and its begun to make me restless. I have a past with anorexia, and so there are eating disorder thoughts brewing in my brain. I have not acted on my thoughts, which I’m proud of. Instead, I’ve tried watching my diet more closely and getting outside and biking more frequently.
Also, I’ve had trouble with relationships recently. Basically, I’m in a dry spell. Relationships came so easily when I was far gone and deep into my SI and depression and my eating disorder, so it’s made me think that in my “sobriety” I’ve become…well…boring. I have a drama-free (but not stress-free!) life as a full-time college student and part-time employee. There’s so punch or pizazz to my life I guess, and I don’t like to create chaos and ruffle feathers. My most recent ex broke things off after only a month. We never fought, we had fun and laughed together, and things were smooth sailing, then one day she says I’m gorgeous and smart but we just don’t click. Her ex had actively had eating issues and depression, and it made me feel like I just wasn’t interesting enough, that that was really the reason. I don’t want to feel like I have no substance. Maybe I SI’d tonight because I wanted to renew that twisted vigor I once had. Shake things up a bit, see if pulling the damsel and distress act would win somebody’s heart. I don’t know– I hope not. It sounds so pathetic…it’s not me or who I want to be. At any rate, I don’t want this to happen again. Mark my words. Boring or not, SI is long gone.