Maybe I can write myself into some sense– no– that is my trying to push myself – being mean. The world is falling apart, but that isn’t really happening – but it keeps happening anyways so it doesn’t really seem to matter that it isn’t happening. I am lying in my bed staring at the wall. I notice that my hands are glued to the side of my face the The Scream. They have new that way for a while. I am going through my skills- trying to access what they even r – looking for one that might help. But idit want to be helped. I want to amplify and amidst and cause the world to collapse, since it is, in fact, collapsing anyway, even though it is not. So many ways to be mean for me to be mean to me. I can see it all, but I’m unable to intervene. Which sounds a lot like what is actually happening. I stopped living when I got a suggestion that felt forced upon me. That is the number one trigger for anxiety- not feeling in control. That is the thing I have been learning in therapy for years- how to stop things if its too much – how to be gentle and not force myself. The way things have been forced on me in the pat. Tht is not my life now. In my life now I am safe am I can stop things. But it felt like the grip of fate- I must do this thing. That I know would have massively massive potential bad bad bad effect on my mental health. Feeling all trapped in by other people’s double binds. But that is not my life. And I can make a positive life for myself. It my duty to make a positive life for myself – even when people are calling out to me to save them. I have to make sure I am taken care of. My needs need to be met. I have the right to some boundaries. I’m in control. My freedom is a learned behavior. I am calming down.
But what to do with myself righ now. Everything on earth seems overwhelming and requiring way more energy than there exists within me. But lying in bed couldn’t be helpful. And I think my dog is dying. And no one, nine of my friends (I do have friends !)- they don’t get it though. Their troubles with their kids are absurd to me. Their troubles are absurd to me. I feel horrible about that. I am lucky that they will even talk to me. I’ve had so much crisis- feel so broken. And I see the grace in brokenness – all grace. But I’m at a moment of difficulty relating and difficulty with the suggestions that reveal we live on different planets. I don’t want to feel alone. There r 12 step people in my life where I do not feel that chasm but most of those people do t hav kids – my mom friends ….
How do I take care of me. That’s all that really matters. Everything else will fall into place. Let the cards fall where they may. So, the problem is that I have worked all day and have work I need to do but there is no way I can focus on that right now. My therapist- I hear him in my head (finally) – he wants to know what will happen if I give up on work. I could lose a sale, but I don’t need that sale to keep my household fed – so bye bye- I hereby give up on working. Now, the problem is that a human still must always do something. I can not turn me off or turn the world off and I so sure that lying in bed is healthy for me. But I don’t want to do anything- ah- just heard my therapist again – he knows that I do not *want* to do anything but he doesn’t really seem to care. …..maybe I can fall asleep.