So hey, new here, not new to SI.  I also think I suffer from GAD.  No official diagnosis, but yeah most likely.  No eating disorder but body dismorphia.  I have a miraid of issues no doubt.

When I was younger, in my early teens, I did things that I now understand to be SI, only I didn’t realize at the time or even years later that that was exactly what I was doing.  I stopped. Years passed.  I mean years.  I am in my 40’s now.  But I started again a few years ago.  I don’t know how it happened.  What made me think to do it.  But I did.   I was under a mass amount of stress at the time.  Ex-husband (husband at the time) had just announced he had cheated on me but wanted to work things out.  We tried.  For 1 & 1/2 years.  A miserable time.  SI and alcohol became my way to cope.

Now here I am divorced and with a new man.  Happy.  Actually very happy.  Been together for a year now.  Things are going quite well.  But as we all know, there are many stresses in life.  Stresses that cause me to SI.  Recent health concerns have been an issue for me.  Gaining weight as I get older.  Major issue.  I look in the mirror and hate myself.  Hate my body.  Feel unworthy of love.

So now I am trying to understand.  Trying to understand what started all this in the first place.  Why I can’t cope like “normal” people.  Why I despise myself so much that I want to punish myself.  How I can be such a logical and intelligent person on one hand and this out of control creature with such self-loathing and disgust.  I can’t make any sense of it.  I just want it to stop.