I have been injuring myself for almost a year now with no idea why the events started and, as of yet, no identified triggers that make me do it now. I have appointments with “professionals” about 3-4 times per month and they have put me on medication. But, I don’t want them or the medication. Deep down I know that the incidents are not healthy and that I should do everything I can to get healthy. I just don’t know if I want to. This is my life and I find myself bucking others who tell me that the way I am living and my choices are not the right way to be living.
The other day my wife told me that I embarrass her because of my scars/wounds and she thinks I am choosing to do it and could not do it if I really wanted to. Never have I felt more alone in this struggle than at that moment. Everyday is a struggle not to injure myself and though most days I am able to control it, the urge eventually builds up to a point that I can’t resist anymore. Though the injury is a relief, I feel so weak for not being able to resist it. I have told her this but still feel as if she doesn’t understand. I know that there are others out there going through the same thing but that doesn’t stop you from feeling alone when your close knit circle of friends and loved ones don’t or can’t understand. I just want to feel normal- one way or the other.