I’m not sure how long it has been since I S.I. I tend not to keep track of the days or I feel like it consumes my thoughts. But it’s been at least a few months. I’ve had two near relapses. A few weeks ago, I was overwhelmed with emotion, and sat with my tool, debating what to do. I injured slightly but then I remembered something a friend had told me. Something snapped in me and I threw my tool across my room. I have pictures/quotes around my room. I do this so in those moments, I will remember why I’m here, who I’m alive for. That was the first time in a long time I’ve been able to stop myself. Then the other night I almost relapsed again. I was on my instagram just looking at random pictures when I came across someone’s account. All there pictures were of S.I. It triggered something in me. All I could think was, “Why would someone post this?” My stomach began to churn and my hands began to sweat as it all came rushing back. My mind wandered to my closet where I keep my tool. Seeing those pictures reminded me of the rush. Reminded me of how it felt. Those few minutes felt like forever. I just sat in bed and told myself to breathe. Even though I’ve gone months without S.I., it’s a pattern for me. I can not S.I., not even think about it for so long then in an instant, I’m back to where I was.
But I am focused on not going back to who I was. We have to be in control of our thoughts. We can not let that urge of S.I. overcome us. I’m not gonna lie and say it’s easy because it’s not. Every day can be a battle, a struggle but the finish line has to be wonderful, it just has to be. I hope all of us can get to a place where we feel okay. Where we learn to love ourselves and not destroy ourselves.
Never, ever lose hope.