I hate this place I’m in. I feel possessed by an evil vengeful spirit, but like its a familiar old friend. I cry when I put the bottle to my mouth and then it tells me to suck it up and that this is how it will always be and then I have to drown the guilt, the shame. The shame has become think and disabling the past month. It’s disgusting. I feel disgusting. I’m surprised how quickly this old self hatred returned. I am scared people have given up on me, are distancing themselves. They say in AA to “keep coming back”, so that’s what I’m trying to do but I keep ruining it and I don’t know if I can look into the eyes of these people. Though, the good part is that this is a part of a lot of people’s stories in AA and they get it. I don’t do well with harsh. I’m so sensitive. I feel like I can’t express how I’m feeling or the depth of what I’m feeling. I’m trying to keep talking about it but it’s getting more and more embarrassing. My therapist made a comment last week that kind if shook me she said honesty is what’s going to save my life. I’m starting to feel consistently depressed and suicidal. It’s the poison. I hate it and yet I can’t put it down. I’ve never been in doubt that I’m an addict, but this is blowing my mind. I put a little bit in my body and it’s like I’m at the mercy of this beast that takes me over and it wants me to die and I’m scared of it and of myself and of failing and of dying. I want to hurt myself out of punishment, anger. I’m so angry!!!!! I went to the freezer and stood in the -10 degree ice box and cried and the I my words that came to mind as a prayer was begging for comfort. But this is my fault I don’t feel I deserve comfort. I do though, I’m torn. I’m not totally lost, I know I deserve what I’d give to anyone else. I need a hug 🙁