I keep having this memory replay over and over in my head. I was 9 or 10 and we lived in Oklahoma City. They were 3,5, and 6. My Dad was out of town for work. Now I’m confused, it must have been Oklahoma City but now I don’t remember, it looks like the Tampa house. Either way, it was night and we were practicing for a little church mime thing we were doing as a family. It must have been Christmas time because it was to ” Oh Holy Night”. That means it must have been cold outside. We were practicing in the living room all in our PJ’s and one of them was fussy or messed up or something, maybe we were being annoying or something, my Mom got really, really mad and said she was leaving and never coming back and not to call my Dad, not to tell him. She slammed the front door and she left. I remember them crying and me consoling them and telling them it would be ok. I put them all to bed and I called my Dad and told him. I remember being really scared, and worried about her, and worried how I’d take care of them. It felt like hours but I don’t know how long it really was. I went outside by myself and walked down the block looking for my Mom, I found her swinging on a swing set at the playground that was built in our neighborhood and she had been crying. I wonder sometimes if my mind makes these things up or if they’re real. That had been really scary for a 9 year old. Another memory I keep having is we were driving in the mountains and my Mom was really,really upset. We were in a 15 passenger van and they were asleep but I wasn’t. I was pretending to be asleep because they were fighting. My Mom kept threatening to open the car door and jump out. My Dad was trying to calm her down but she was really mad. I keep remembering her taking off her seatbelt and reaching for the door handle.
I didn’t sleep last night, I spent hours obsessing over drinking. Fighting off the urge, you know ? I don’t have much money this paycheck so I rummaged through the change jars and took them to the grocery store to get cash for my change so I didn’t have to pay in change. I was waiting outside the liquor store for it to open. I spent the morning and afternoon drunk and at some point passed out in my bed. At some point before that I hurt myself and I don’t know why. The last thing I remember is watching the room spin around me and wondering how I wasn’t sick from drinking. I’m still wondering that. I took two giant advils and my head is still pounding and I feel foggy and like the room is moving. I felt ok for a couple hours after I woke up but I feel sick now. Sick physically and mentally. I don’t feel crazy or out of control, I don’t feel suicidal, I don’t feel like hurting myself. All I feel like doing is getting more alcohol. I guess that is hurting myself. I’m just so confused, by my memories, by the room moving while I’m sober now, at least I think I’m sober. I feel sad. That is one thing I do feel. I don’t feel connected to myself right now.