Well, that last post was literally thoughts as I was sitting in class. I had to get them out. I couldnt leave them in there that long. So I just have to get some thoughts straightened out before I can go to bed.
Si is such a part of my life, I cant see it without it. Granted the last time I si-ed was months ago before this, I still needed it tonight. I know why. Its because of this stupid diet. Do I want to stay this way? Do I want to hurt myself with food? Or do I want to si? I guess both are hurting myself in one way or another. I knew this would happen. This is exactly why I didnt want to do this. The very reason I decided not to join the support group (to lose weight). Like I know im big. Ive always been big. Ive always been the big girl. Now Im trying, i really am, and I go out one night. What do i do? Feel guilty. Hate myself. So I hurt myself by not getting the health smart food that makes the most sense and stays in the healthy range. Nope. I self injure with food. Like I know what Im doing is wrong. I just cant help it. I cant help wanting to always feel this way. I was doing so well too. Almost 6 days with zero negative thoughts. But the one day I go over the amount I need to eat? I go down hill. And not only that day, I spiral out of control today now too. I hope tomorrow isnt the lower pit, I hope I get control of this before I crash. I cant crash though. I simply dont have time to crash. I cant. I want to, but I just cant.
Nights like this make me think back to the first night I si-ed. Why was I so stupid? Well, I guess I was smart at that point in some ways. I dont think I wouldve made it this far without it, because some nights even with SI I didnt want to see the morning. And it is so hard because right now I shouldnt feel this way. I know I should be much more postitive. I know i should be thankful and appreciate this beautiful life i have been given. But then again, I am, I do appreciate it. I am thankful for this life. I just want to be appreciative and thankful with si. Which is wrong. I know its wrong.
On another note, I am the only person in my group of friends who is not in any sort of relationship. I dont want one. Dont get me wrong. I dont have time to have a romantic relationship, and I honestly, swear to any bigger power you want, dont want a relationship in any way right now. But here they are talking about their significant others and Im over here like, well I go to school, I work, and maybe read if i find the time. I feel like im losing my friends in a way, but I know im not. Theyre still great as ever. idk, i just had to say that, have it out there, i guess.