Well, that last post was literally thoughts as I was sitting in class.  I had to get them out.  I couldnt leave them in there that long.  So I just have to get some thoughts straightened out before I can go to bed.

Si is such a part of my life, I cant see it without it.  Granted the last time I si-ed was months ago before this, I still needed it tonight.  I know why.  Its because of this stupid diet.  Do I want to stay this way?  Do I want to hurt myself with food?  Or do I want to si?  I guess both are hurting myself in one way or another.  I knew this would happen.  This is exactly why I didnt want to do this. The very reason I decided not to join the support group (to lose weight).  Like I know im big.  Ive always been big.  Ive always been the big girl.  Now Im trying, i really am, and I go out one night.  What do i do?  Feel guilty.  Hate myself.  So I hurt myself by not getting the health smart food that makes the most sense and stays in the healthy range.  Nope.  I self injure with food.  Like I know what Im doing is wrong.  I just cant help it.  I cant help wanting to always feel this way.  I was doing so well too.  Almost 6 days with zero negative thoughts.  But the one day I go over the amount I need to eat? I go down hill.  And not only that day, I spiral out of control today now too.  I hope tomorrow isnt the lower pit, I hope I get control of this before I crash.  I cant crash though.  I simply dont have time to crash.  I cant.  I want to, but I just cant.

Nights like this make me think back to the first night I si-ed.  Why was I so stupid? Well, I guess I was smart at that point in some ways. I dont think I wouldve made it this far without it, because some nights even with SI I didnt want to see the morning.  And it is so hard because right now I shouldnt feel this way.  I know I should be much more postitive.  I know i should be thankful and appreciate this beautiful life i have been given.  But then again, I am, I do appreciate it. I am thankful for this life.  I just want to be appreciative and thankful with si.  Which is wrong. I know its wrong.

On another note, I am the only person in my group of friends who is not in any sort of relationship.  I dont want one.  Dont get me wrong.  I dont have time to have a romantic relationship, and I honestly, swear to any bigger power you want, dont want a relationship in any way right now.   But here they are talking about their significant others and Im over here like, well I go to school, I work, and maybe read if i find the time.  I feel like im losing my friends in a way, but I know im not.  Theyre still great as ever.   idk, i just had to say that, have it out there, i guess.