There’s so much that I feel like I want to say … not just want, but need. I need to talk about things, they’re getting so bottled up inside. I don’t know if I can stand the building pressure much longer. I feel as if everything has been twisted and wrenched into impossible positions and scenarios. I wish I could find the courage to talk to somebody about what’s going on inside of my head but I can’t. I can’t do it no matter how badly I need to. I’m terrified of going to a counselor but the longer I postpone it the more I feel that I need to go. I need help figuring out what’s wrong … I need help making the pain stop. I’m falling more behind in school … I recognize it but can’t will myself to do anything about it. I can’t get myself to do anything when I get home from school, all I do is wilt. I lose the ability to do anything when I get home, I’m just so exhausted. Then my mind races through everything that’s wrong and I become preoccupied until late at night. Only then after I’ve suffered through the emotional rollercoaster ride can I begin to consider doing any of my school stuff. By then I’m so exhausted I can’t do it and then I’m so horribly tired at school. I don’t register my classes … I merely go class to class, carrying out the motions and nothing more. How could I have let this happen? I’m fading away, things are getting really bad again. People are noticing at school … really noticing. I’m concerned that so many people are noticing but I can’t find the energy to cover it all back up. I know that I don’t want it exposed not like this yet there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m barely hanging on each day, how can I possibly put the mask back on? I don’t know what to do, I just wish that it would all go away
I hear that you are struggling to reach out to a therapist, or a counselor. Maybe writing in a journal about whats going on in your head will help get them out and maybe even one day let someone read. that yes you are struggling and that you need help. You do’t have to write with the thought of someone is going to read it, but writing it all down some how is a release sometimes and can help get your thoughts in order. it sounds like the negative thoughts are really bring you down. have you tried a negative thought log, challenging each negative thought that you have with a positive. it sounds like a lot of work but once you get the hang of it, it gets easier.
Best of luck I hope you find that one person that you can talk to. Also try e-mailing a therapist or counselor Thats how I found the right therapist for myself. but everyone is different.