the thoughts of self harm are slowly coming back. I have lost all self control. I eat way too much and it makes me so depressed because I will never lose the amount of weight that I want to lose. it upsets me because I will never be as skinny as I want to be. I will never satisfy myself. I am disgusting and I just want to self harm until all the pain is gone. but soon enough it comes back. and it’s the same thing over again. I hate not liking my body or myself for who I am but it’s hard when I don’t please anyone. I’m not beautiful or skinny or tall enough. I never will be. I will never meet anyone’s expectations and I know I’m being really negative right now but it’s all I can think of. I just want to relapse. it’s been so long. I don’t think I can go another day without it. I honestly just want to get it over with. I want to just relapse and hate myself all over again just because of it. I don’t know why but I love being sad. I don’t know if it’s normal or not but it honestly makes me feel normal. I want to relapse so bad but I know I probably won’t. well, at least not tonight.