I hate to say im back to zero.   I sied before school.  On my way to school i got the worst urge ever, and I just acted out on it.  I hate that I gave in to it.  I hate that I have to say Im back to sing but at the same time its what im sure to.  I feel normal again.  Like I can breathe again.  I can smile and pretned im fine again.  I hate this feeling.  I hate that I have to think this way.  I hate that si makes my life like this.  Im sitting in a class talking about such heavier issues, and im thinking of si.  I just want to si again.  But not because I need it now.  I just want it.  Why do I want it.   Nothing bad has happened again.  I dont know.  I hate myself for doing this.  im full of hate formyself tonight.  I should go, im too negative.  I cant handle it.  I just want to crawl into a hole and go away for a while.  Im ready to go away and pretend i dont exist.  Idk, i have to go now.