It’s warm outside today and already I get the question ” Aren’t you hot with the long sleeves?” After so many years I feel like I should be used to these questions,and be able to know how to articulate an intelligent response, but I can’t. I still get awkward and uncomfortable and way too self-conscious. It’s hard to keep a secret that is so plain to see.
I reached out and talked to someone last week. It was brief, but needed and as much as I feel a little weird about disclosing my feelings AND my SI (which was difficult) it has been such a relief to know someone else knows. I wasn’t pitied or looked at with shame or questioning, but rather understood. It felt okay to allow myself to unload – even if just for a short time. Now comes the desire to talk more, but I feel bad for taking more time from this person and wanting too much – so I don’t. I make a conscious effort to hold back even though I feel like I need to say more.
I still feel a gloomy cloud over me, though. I don’t like that I am choosing to SI. But it feels normal and almost comfortable to be doing it. Although it does scare me a little. I find myself becoming anxious when things heal or feel better. I am looking forward to a break from all that is going on.
I to found myself anxious when my wounds would start healing, so I would in the end Self-injure again to stop them from healing. What I started to do to nurture myself was to put lotion on my wounds instead of Self-injuring. It took a few tries for it to work but it helped me. I have the scars still and they sometimes make me nervous but I just choose to nurture my body in some way.
It’s good to hear that you were able to reach out to someone and talk maybe with time you will feel more comfortable and able to lean on that person some more. I encourage you to open up more and trust someone like you have with your SI secret.
Good luck,
Laura
Oh my gosh, I hate getting asked about my long sleeves! Someone did that to me this past Wednesday and I just wanted to scream at them! It was then that I started worrying a lot about it-again. Typical stuff for me. By the way, I am glad that you reached out to someone. It feels better, doesn’t it? Especially knowing that they were so great about it.