It’s warm outside today and already I get the question ” Aren’t you hot with the long sleeves?” After so many years I feel like I should be used to these questions,and be able to know how to articulate an intelligent response, but I can’t. I still get awkward and uncomfortable and way too self-conscious. It’s hard to keep a secret that is so plain to see.
I reached out and talked to someone last week. It was brief, but needed and as much as I feel a little weird about disclosing my feelings AND my SI (which was difficult) it has been such a relief to know someone else knows. I wasn’t pitied or looked at with shame or questioning, but rather understood. It felt okay to allow myself to unload – even if just for a short time. Now comes the desire to talk more, but I feel bad for taking more time from this person and wanting too much – so I don’t. I make a conscious effort to hold back even though I feel like I need to say more.
I still feel a gloomy cloud over me, though. I don’t like that I am choosing to SI. But it feels normal and almost comfortable to be doing it. Although it does scare me a little. I find myself becoming anxious when things heal or feel better. I am looking forward to a break from all that is going on.