I just want to write about some things I’ve been thinking. First, an affirmation that seemed to somtaniously generate in my mind: I matter. I’ve been thinking it and it’s amazing – and I’ve acting like that too. I’ve needed a lot of rest. I’ve been resting. I felt boxed by my family of origin and, miracle of miracles, I said something– actually I think the miracle of a cold was the miracle. I also blurted something out in group that was good for me. And now this sort of summary thinking about how good to me the answer to all (some) of my problems is- really just knowing I matter. And being nice to me. Could have it been that obvious all along? I would like to believe that I am in the reward stage right now – these have been really really some rough years. And now there are the famair issues with my family of origin surfacing – chronic invalidation, I suppose – the problems I fled when I fled into a controlling man who provided me with isolation. I am free now and the stuff I ran from is still there…. That seemed a lot more hopeful than I think it came out.
I told them how I felt. I said I had terms that involved respect… Only said it all nicely and was sort of responded to. How odd to find myself run down with a cold and behaving more skfullu – defaulting to newly learned behavior and instead the old freeze response – without my full health there was less of my mind present and it worked for me. I’m somewhere between awe and puzzled.
I’ve been recalling the library when I was child. It was newly constructed and had cathedral ceilings. I wasn’t raised religiously so it was probably the first time I was in a building that seemed architecturally engineered to inspire awe. I’m not sure if my mother suggested it or I had the thought on my own- surveying all the high, packed shelves- that some person wrote each and everyone one of them. I was a child then but I knew a book was the greatest possible human accomplishment. My job is sort of related to that now. I’ve been having a crisis of faith as I’m finishing a long project. But also turning toward creating that awe in my life- it isn’t hard to evoke. It’s been an interesting sort of choosing. Managing my emotions, I suppose.
And gettin to see up close how sure I feel that I will be under the weather for the rest of my life because I’m sick today. And seeing how that just can’t be true. It’s the clearest picture I’ve had of emotional life – that simple problem of not being able to recall one star when I’m in another- feeling convinced by some wrong idea of permanence. … This has been a really good cold for me.
And I’m having the thought a lot “attachment is the clinical term for love” – I think that’s true, or true enough. There is someone I am very attached to. I feel like a bird in a nest. – that’s therapy – goofy but I’ll take it. These are very strong feelings – it seemed that no one believed in me .,,now it takes the whole better- but referred out over and over. Until findin someone I could really work with. It’s been years. Some of my first encouragement to stay with it- reach out- came from this blog. And I did it. And I can’t believe the version of reality I’ve learned- I’m going to almost nauseated myself – but all the years reduce to two words — I matter. Who knew.
I know this euphoria is temporary. And that’s ok. I’ve also been thinking about tracks. I remember a patia trust early on telling about overall direction things where going in- that’s what she was looking at. At the time that was mind blowing. Now it’s kind of obvious – but I guess my world really had no directionality – not in my perception. I’ve been thinking about the phrases “in the right path” and “on the right track” – those imply whole world views that look not just at the moment but direction. So things seem kind of scary. It’s scary to up against old family stuff- and it’s all about trauma where my brain shuts down … But if I’m not just at this moment- if I know I have faith in my path because it has already proven and proven… Then if I listen to those same learnings in this situation… There’s something to follow – trust. Maybe attachment is the clinical word for trust. … The point is these new/old challenges – it isn’t in isolation- it’s within directionality. And things are better when I trust that the I feel matters. …I can look at what stops me – I don’t know what it is but I can use the frame to look for it…. My emotions have shifted. Now I’m scared. But I am going to be fine. Am fine.