well im new here. just signed up last nite. im reading these posts and im thinking wow i am not alone. ive been a victim of S.I. for 14 years now. im 27 and feel like im going no where with my life. i have an abusive past history from my dad and it has caused many of the feelings i feel today. i was in nursing school for 7 years at a local community college and i kept failing and retaking classes until finally i failed out of school. if only i would have succeeded i would be so successful right now. but im not im the complete opposite. living paycheck to paycheck eating ramen noodles for dinner and barely making it by. i moved out of my parents house in 2010 with my boyfriend. i thought it was the greatest idea ever. i was getting away from what caused me the most pain in my life. my dad. my boyfriend and i struggled and struggled and struggled to pay bills. hes 10 years older than me and he suffers from a past history of alcoholism. he does NOT have his life together what so ever. after 3 years of struggling im wanting out of this relationship and i dont know how to leave. he begs me and tells me things will change and they dont. we work really hard and yet still we struggle with money. lately ive been hating life. i have no money i wanna get a gym membership to loose some weight to feel better about myself but i cant because we are sharing my car right now and have no money. i start paramedic school in september and to be honest with my past i feel i have failed already and i havent even started. i have no friends. after a recent hospitalization i came to see who my real friends were and they werent. so i let them go. i have one friend and she lives 500 miles away from me. i met her when i was 15 on an S.I. website. weve met 3 times but talk everyday like we live near each other. my relationship is falling apart. we have no intimacy because my boyfriend has some health and we cant afford the doctors or the medicine to treat it. he is also on zoloft so its making it even more difficult to deal with. we have no communication. the 2 most important things in a relationship and we have failed at both. id love to say im leaving but where will i go? i cant possibly go back home because then i deal with 2 alcoholic parents and a controlling dad but i have no money to move out on my own. i currently HATE my job with a passion. im in the process of putting in applications for a career change from a CNA to an EMT. i feel like ill never get a job because i have no experience. i feel like no one will give me a chance. im very pessimistic. im never positive and always think the worst outcomes. with my whole life falling apart ive come to realize my boyfriend started drinking this past friday after being sober for almost 7 years. and everyday i see the rum go lower and lower and i approached him about it and got silence. nothing good has ever happened to me. my whole life has been disappointment. and i feel it will never change. so i ask myself why am i here to suffer? its not fair and i just want to be happy. i want to have a career and a family but the thing is i cant see myself being successful with my current boyfriend. i see it as a constant struggle. but i have no where else to go right now. i cant afford to live on my own i have no friends to be room mates with im not close with family. i have no choice. i opened a savings account at a bank that he does not know about and i had 200$ in there and we really needed money so i have 15 left. im just lost in every direction of my life. i hate my job i hate my relationship i hate my life. i just wonder if there is a purpose out there for me or if im meant to suffer for my remaining time here.