Today I came back to this site for the first time in about 3 years. Reading through everything I’ve written over the years, everything I’ve felt and thought, it’s like I don’t even know that girl I used to be anymore. I relived myself slowly changing from that scared 16-year-old at her lowest point ever after years of pain and self-induced suffering into the independent, self-reliant 18-year-old who was in a better place physically but not really mentally. I never thought I’d live to see 21, but here I am, an adult I guess with a failed marriage already under her belt and still suffering from the same raging unmedicated depression.
One thing that really sets me apart from the way I used to be though, is the fact that I can better cope now. I haven’t harmed myself in a year or two (I haven’t really felt the need to keep track). It’s not for lack of wanting to, I still get my SI urges, but I know that’s a dark place that I don’t want to find myself in again so I can mentally talk myself down. Does that urge, that self-loathing ever really go away though? It still lurks below the surface for me, stalking and waiting until I’m weak enough that it can sway me. I try to keep myself busy, exhaust myself with the day-to-day trivialities of work, college courses, etc. so that at night I can go straight to bed and not have to worry about my nightly restlessness and anxiety, and for the most part it works for me.
Talking to a friend the other night, he mentioned the importance of what he called a three-part support system (not for SI in particular, just life in general): Friends, Family, and perhaps if you’re lucky a significant other you can talk to who can help you deal with whatever you’re going through. It made me realize that I don’t really have any of those things, I pretty much rely on myself. As far as friends go, I’m too introverted to have all that many. I have maybe one person that I’m close-ish with and I don’t really confide much. My family and I are pretty much estranged at this point, and even before that I could never talk to them about anything without them accusing me of “just trying to get attention.” My love life is kind of a joke, so that’s out of the question as well. But I do ok by myself. I may not always be perfect, but I get by, not yet thriving but existing, and that’s more than I could say about myself a few years ago.
Looking forward I feel cautiously hopeful, like maybe I can overcome this. Maybe I am strong enough to do this on my own, without relying on others. Sure it’s nice to have support to fall back on, but if that’s not an option at least I have myself… and for once on this journey, that might just be enough.
~Kat~
I identify, on many levels. I don’t know if the urges ever go away–I’m in my mid-30’s and there have been periods of years where they have seemed to. I do know though that if I feed them they grow.
I’m pretty introverted too but the 12-step world gives me instance access to others. I’ve done al-anon, for friends and families of alcoholics and met people I can really talk to like that….. one thing a therapist told me once and she said she’d been to alonon for a few years and it was what she really took– was the idea that maturity isn’t being able to do things all on ones own, but being able to organize support around oneself…. only it had some sort of nifty wording that I don’t recall.
Take care.
I know exactly how you feel, because that’s pretty much my life right now. I provided for myself, I don’t really communicate much with the few family members I have because It doesn’t go anywhere. The thing I could share with you to hopefully raise your spirits is to realize that everyone has good days and bad days. And on those good days you should really soak that happiness in. Sometimes those things and moments make the difference more than you think. As far as people go, sometimes its better to wait wait wait it out than to have a bunch of damaging people in your life.