Today I came back to this site for the first time in about 3 years. Reading through everything I’ve written over the years, everything I’ve felt and thought, it’s like I don’t even know that girl I used to be anymore. I relived myself slowly changing from that scared 16-year-old at her lowest point ever after years of pain and self-induced suffering into the independent, self-reliant 18-year-old who was in a better place physically but not really mentally. I never thought I’d live to see 21, but here I am, an adult I guess with a failed marriage already under her belt and still suffering from the same raging unmedicated depression.
One thing that really sets me apart from the way I used to be though, is the fact that I can better cope now. I haven’t harmed myself in a year or two (I haven’t really felt the need to keep track). It’s not for lack of wanting to, I still get my SI urges, but I know that’s a dark place that I don’t want to find myself in again so I can mentally talk myself down. Does that urge, that self-loathing ever really go away though? It still lurks below the surface for me, stalking and waiting until I’m weak enough that it can sway me. I try to keep myself busy, exhaust myself with the day-to-day trivialities of work, college courses, etc. so that at night I can go straight to bed and not have to worry about my nightly restlessness and anxiety, and for the most part it works for me.
Talking to a friend the other night, he mentioned the importance of what he called a three-part support system (not for SI in particular, just life in general): Friends, Family, and perhaps if you’re lucky a significant other you can talk to who can help you deal with whatever you’re going through. It made me realize that I don’t really have any of those things, I pretty much rely on myself. As far as friends go, I’m too introverted to have all that many. I have maybe one person that I’m close-ish with and I don’t really confide much. My family and I are pretty much estranged at this point, and even before that I could never talk to them about anything without them accusing me of “just trying to get attention.” My love life is kind of a joke, so that’s out of the question as well. But I do ok by myself. I may not always be perfect, but I get by, not yet thriving but existing, and that’s more than I could say about myself a few years ago.
Looking forward I feel cautiously hopeful, like maybe I can overcome this. Maybe I am strong enough to do this on my own, without relying on others. Sure it’s nice to have support to fall back on, but if that’s not an option at least I have myself… and for once on this journey, that might just be enough.