School has always been a stressor for me.  When school is in the picture I get nervous and anxious.  I had a presentation to do tonight.  I knew my info, so I wasnt too worried, and the whole day I was fine.  Ten minutes before it was my turn to go, I had the worst panic attack. I couldnt breathe. I literally drank a whole bottle of water and a whole cup of tea to keep myself calm.  During that ten minutes, all I wanted to do was si.  My first thought was to take my tool and go si. Its like thats the only way I can truly calm myself down.  Im happy to say I didnt, and my presentation went on without a glitch.  But it still amazes me that I had that huge urge.  I dont know what stopped me. I honestly was thinking of going and si-ing, thinking of where I want to si, how it would feel, but I just kept breathing and drinking water.  I got over it.  Im surprised.  I feel if i was at home I wouldnt have been so strong.  I wouldve given in.  And honestly the only reason i havnt sied is theres zero time.  I feel like I work, work, go to school, volunteer, and work some more.  My days begin at 7:30 am, and end around now.  Im not complaining, im thankful for having 2 jobs, for making money, for supporting myself for the most part.  But at the same time, life is lousy.  Idk.  Im trying really hard not to fall into this pit of depression i feel in the back of my mind.  Like i know its there.  Im trying. Im trying so hard to be this person I want to be.  Im tired of being this person who constantly hides.   Oh, and todays the first day of a new diet.  I swear ive been on diets for the last 5 years.  Hopefully I can handle it this time and the stress wont get to me like it always does.   Ok, now im rambling. Ill go now. Thanks for always being here.