I want to fall back into my routine …okay maybe not fall back into it so easily, but it almost seems easier than trying to fight to maintain balance and good sense. I SIed the other day after months of keeping things under control. I knew what I was doing, I knew if I waited a bit the urge would lessen, but I didn’t care. I wanted to do it – I wanted the control and I wanted to punish myself.
I am having a very difficult time lately. I wish I had counseling to go back to, but I don’t. I wish I had close friends, but I don’t. My marriage is so fragile right now that I don’t even have my husband. It feels like it is just too much and to keep myself from wanting to ‘check out’ it is easier to fall back into the familiar routine that accompanies my SI. I want to keep going and try, but after these past few weeks I am so drained, and feel so much vulnerability and with that comes shame.
I really wish I had comfort – a hug, compassion, a chance to talk without judgement or a time limit. Sometimes the SI helps not to feel this deep ache of loneliness.
Hi,
Minus a husband, I know how you feel..how lonely it is to be on your own emotionally. I don’t think hearing that really gives anyone comfort, but it is true regardless. I think that sometimes you have to be your own comfort. Hug yourself if you have to. Look at yourself in the mirror amd tell yourself you are important. You are valued. You are loved. You have weight on this earth, and you’re not done here yet. Leave yourself notes around the house if you have to–leave a note somewhere you will see it first thing in the morning. Stash motivational love letters to yourself in random places and forget about them. Finding them every once in a while will be a little pep to keep you motivated. Might even make you smile. It sounds silly but it can really help. It is easier to fall back into SI. What things worth having are easy?
You deserve to be happy and loved. Starting to love yourself leads into a healthier life. It sounds silly or selfish, but if you don’t love yourself it goes into everything. We all come to a point when we’re too tired NOT to change. You can’t keep going on like this forever. Something’s gotta give. What will it be? What will you let come out on top? You or the SI. Personally, i’d put my money on you.
Thank you. Sometimes it is easy to forget the good we can give ourselves.
We’re usually too busy beating ourselves up. Some of us literally. I really hope you are happier soon!