I want to fall back into my routine …okay maybe not fall back into it so easily, but it almost seems easier than trying to fight to maintain balance and good sense. I SIed the other day after months of keeping things under control. I knew what I was doing, I knew if I waited a bit the urge would lessen, but I didn’t care. I wanted to do it – I wanted the control and I wanted to punish myself.
I am having a very difficult time lately. I wish I had counseling to go back to, but I don’t. I wish I had close friends, but I don’t. My marriage is so fragile right now that I don’t even have my husband. It feels like it is just too much and to keep myself from wanting to ‘check out’ it is easier to fall back into the familiar routine that accompanies my SI. I want to keep going and try, but after these past few weeks I am so drained, and feel so much vulnerability and with that comes shame.
I really wish I had comfort – a hug, compassion, a chance to talk without judgement or a time limit. Sometimes the SI helps not to feel this deep ache of loneliness.