I turned 26 today. I feel like I’m in a very thick fog. I relapsed hard this past week with alcohol and drugs and self injury. Addiction is so scary. I don’t trust myself. I don’t, not at all right now. My conscience can easily jump into the backseat in a heartbeat and I find myself doing things I swore Id never do. I feel a lot of shame. And I don’t get it. I get the process, I get the textbooks, I have all the knowledge about addiction but it the midst of it it’s so confusing and insane. Against ALL reason the obsession and compulsion are so strong it can just take over. Which is why we develop tools and ways to break free of the cycle. Now I’m in the cycle and I’m scared. I’m scared because for years I swore every morning that “today will be different” and by noon I’m obsessing about a drink. Last I though the same thing, every day and picked up a white chip (for those of you in AA ) at every meeting with every intention for it to be the last. Every time I put the drink to my mouth I cry and I get nauseous . It’s like my body and mind are saying NO. I rarely cry and it’s all I’ve done for a week. I remember this happening during and after rehab, the emotional roller coaster until everything gets back in order. I have a new friend, one of those people you instantly connect with, she is in recovery from SI and it’s nice to have someone to talk about it with in a way that isn’t triggering to either of us.