I was accepted into my Masters program and I feel great about it.
But I feel like this dread in the back of my mind, like I cant do this. Like im going to fail. I dont know what it is about Monday nights but the urges to Si are strong. I want to si. I want to feel something stable. Because the last thing I feel is stable. Im making more money than I ever have before, but Im spending it like crazy too. Ive virtually blown through my savings because I wanted to buy my family christmas presents. Now im freaking out because I have no idea how to replace the money. I know its just money. But the stress just gets to me. My family pressures me to save money. Sometimes I want to ask them what theyd rather me do. Spend a little extra money on myself or si. I feel going out and getting a coffee and reading keeps my sanity. (not that I have time for it). Or getting a new book, movie, or something little help me. I honestly feel like slurging once in a while REALLY helps me not think of si. I know its just an addiction just in another form. Its my way of control i guess when I spend money. But a while ago I got to go to the bookstore by myself, browse books, find books, enjoy myself without rushing, go shopping for clothes a little, and enjoyed a dinner by myself and a good book. Like that was the best night I have had in a long time. I dont think I have enjoyed myself that much in a very very long time. I think I need to make a point of doing that once a month.
The urge to si is so strong tonight. I want to just get up and get my tool. But i dont want to ruin this good streak ive had going. I feel so numb though. Like i cant feel anything really. I dont know what emotions im even feeling. I should be happy and thankful. I have everything i truly need. But….at the end of the day I feel so empty. Like I want to si to feel something new. This dull throbbing in my life kind of sucks. Even when im laughing, I dont feel that great. I havnt seen my friends in a while now. Not on purpose, but work just keeps me really busy. Now that school is on top of it, its even worse. But Ill see them this week. I actually took off work to see my friends. Crazy i know. idk. I feel like im on this path to find meaning in my life, and i know there is a point to my life, but i just feel so bleak. I dont know how to explain it. I just feel so bleh. like theres nothing there really. Like my life has become this routine that is leading me to this bubble of a dream that i will never reach. I probably dont make sense. But im just going to go to bed, and hope that my dreams take me to somewhere I long to be. Sadly if I had my way, SI would be in that dream somewhere. I know im crazy. Ill go before I become any crazier to anyone else.
p.s thank you everyone for your replies constantly. I honestly appreciate each and every one of them! <3