I was accepted into my Masters program and I feel great about it.

But I feel like this dread in the back of my mind, like I cant do this.  Like im going to fail. I dont know what it is about Monday nights but the urges to Si are strong.  I want to si.  I want to feel something stable.  Because the last thing I feel is stable.  Im making more money than I ever have before, but Im spending it like crazy too.  Ive virtually blown through my savings because I wanted to buy my family christmas presents.  Now im freaking out because I have no idea how to replace the money.  I know its just money.  But the stress just gets to me.  My family pressures me to save money.  Sometimes I want to ask them what theyd rather me do.  Spend a little extra money on myself or si.  I feel going out and getting a coffee and reading keeps my sanity. (not that I have time for it).  Or getting a new book, movie, or something little help me.  I honestly feel like slurging once in a while REALLY helps me not think of si.  I know its just an addiction just in another form.  Its my way of control i guess when I spend money.  But a while ago I got to go to the bookstore by myself, browse books, find books, enjoy myself without rushing, go shopping for clothes a little, and enjoyed a dinner by myself and a good book.  Like that was the best night I have had in a long time.  I dont think I have enjoyed myself that much in a very very long time.  I think I need to make a point of doing that once a month.

The urge to si is so strong tonight.  I want to just get up and get my tool.  But i dont want to ruin this good streak ive had going.  I feel so numb though.  Like i cant feel anything really.  I dont know what emotions im even feeling.  I should be happy and thankful.  I have everything i truly need.  But….at the end of the day I feel so empty.  Like I want to si to feel something new.  This dull throbbing in my life kind of sucks.  Even when im laughing, I dont feel that great.  I havnt seen my friends in a while now.  Not on purpose, but work just keeps me really busy.  Now that school is on top of it, its even worse.  But Ill see them this week.  I actually took off work to see my friends.  Crazy i know.  idk.  I feel like im on this path to find meaning in my life, and i know there is a point to my life, but i just feel so bleak.  I dont know how to explain it.  I just feel so bleh.  like theres nothing there really.  Like my life has become this routine that is leading me to this bubble of a dream that i will never reach.  I probably dont make sense.  But im just going to go to bed, and hope that my dreams take me to somewhere I long to be.  Sadly if I had my way, SI would be in that dream somewhere.  I know im crazy.  Ill go before I become any crazier to anyone else.

p.s  thank you everyone for your replies constantly.  I honestly appreciate each and every one of them!  <3