I’ve seen today how much I kept getting lost in and tumbled by disjunct thoughts. The answer is mindfulness. Grounding. I listened to talks on mindfulness and kept bringing my thoughts back. I really want to keep up that tomorrow. I have no responded to a few friends. I connected to one today so it’s not like I’m pushing everyone away but for the most part I feel fragile, I think. Talking on the phone sounds like being over run. There is a married man who’s company I enjoy. He sounds soothing. But I don’t even want to connect to someone to be soothed. A man taking care of things , though, that sounds good. Of he was remotely available I never would have let him this close. I am confused about my feelings. I don’t want to talk I to friends because talking sounds like being over ridden – but I would like to talk to him. I don’t like feeling that way. And I’m not sure which way I mean — I mean feeling really safe with a man to protect me. That has not been an effective strategy for staying safe – at all. Men who want to do that seem to turn out to be the biggest threat to my safety. I see my thoughts bouncing all over. There are things I can do over a course of days kept helping myself settle. I can exercise. I can keep listening to mindfulness talks. I can listen to affirmations and maybe get a feeling of safety from that. I want to feel secure. I can do simple practical tasks like cleaning. I would like to clean the house tomorrow. I need to do more on my divorce. That’s scary. The sort of scary that makes me want to be sick. I don’t. Know what type that is. And I need to make, reschedule, and attend various doctors appointments for me myself and my son. It’s overwhelming. Everyone is scary. I don’t like doctors. But I also understand that it’s my job to take good care of myself and I want good health – so I need to follow through. There is too much pinging in my mind. A list. Or lists. I don’t need to push forward with work. I can slow down. Be domestic. ……