I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel unsafe. I’d adore using substances to escape. I guess that means I’m upset. I’m a drone. Everything feels dangerous. I don’t trust anything but cruelty. — that isn’t true…. I’m listless and the certainty of cruelty is appealing. I don’t want to let anyone near me. I dreamed I had a meaningful conversation with my father- very odd- didn’t know I’d even been thinking of him. Still… always… just trying to get normal. THe slightest disturbance…. I stopped exercising and have worked like a madwoman this part week. I need to knock it off. Forced myself out of the house to exercise and this morning – it was good. Then lots of work- boring work today- yesterday exciting driven work- but all mostly on the computer. I am glued to the computer. It’s money-work, my creative-work, and my tv. I would feel better if I could put it down some. Read a book. But it’s really addictive and working is addictive. I hear my therapist telling me that my lows now are so much more mild then they were. That’s true. It doesn’t always feel true though. It’s still hard to remember other states when I’m in a particular state– any state. It’s so intellectual that life isn’t ruined. That I felt happy this morning. I’m really proud of myself for earning money. Being able to support myself. It’s a thrill- but really can afford to slow down a bit. Tomorrow I have a semi-social lunch planned – but I sort of accidentally turned it into giving someone advice about her work– helping her with her work. I think it’s really good for me to come to understand that I actually know stuff but I really just wanted a friend. I watched almost a full season of 6 feet under today as I worked. I feel yucky because it’s a sad show and because I don’t do well with constant noise– but its addictive. Not feeling in control of my life. Computer is in control. People I’m in relationship too are in control. The force of my son’s need. I feel pushed around. I want to blame myself. I contributed to all this…. I can make choices. It is true that I can make choices – but the blame is not helpful- not effective. DBT homework is to think about an myth about emotion that I believe. Consciously I don’t believe it- but it seems that deeply I do believe that self-hatred is an effective tool for change. What do I eve want to change? I need to never spend a whole day in my house. I need to exercise at lease every other day. I need to be reading. ……… and I just can’t help myself. I’m now going to watch another episode- or- no- if I do that I will want to hurt myself even more. But I just don’t know what to do with myself….. a can’t settle. Sleep is what I should be doing. That isn’t an option. And it/s too scary to try because the thoughts just pile. I need to replace those thoughts with other thoughts. Stop watching the depressing show. A spiritual book. I can’t shift that far on my own but medication and spiritual book. I’m so angry. – that just came out of no where. I wonder what I’m angry about. Life. How hard it’s been….