So I have this really close friend who I only talk to about boys pretty much. We are both in love with a boy in our school and so it’s easy to just talk about them nonstop.

The guy my friend is in love with…well, I was in a play where we played opposite each other. The girl couldn’t really do anything about all the touchiness but it still bothered her. Though I was very respectful. I hate making my friends jealous or hate me because of how i act around a guy they like. I’m not a jerk.

Well the other night we all were drinking and I became the person I promised I would never be.  I was a jerk. See, she started flirting with the guy I’m in love with so I got angry and flirted with her guy. It turned out that her guy was much more receptive of my flirtations and he made a few moves…so in front of my friend, I cuddled with the guy she likes. Held hands and all that jazz. I didn’t care and I didn’t think.

The thing is…it didn’t stop there. He wanted me to stay after but i went back with everyone so no one thought it was weird…but he walked and got me afterwards. Nothing crazy happened, but I spent the night as his place and we kissed a lot.

My friend is soooo hurt about the cuddling. I don’t know if our friendship will ever be the same. But i feel like a complete and total jerk because of what happened afterwards. She will never find out…but the guilt is awful. I don’t have feelings for him at all. ugh it’s such a mess.

and all i can think about is SI. It’s a different type of urge tho. I almost feel like I deserve to hurt. I deserve it. Does that make sense? Idk…I just can’t believe what I did. I’m such a horrible person. I’m like Regina George from mean girls…but worse because this girl and I are actually really good friends.

Wow…I’m the worst friend ever.