I need help, advice, suggestions. These past couple of weeks have been a struggle. I am finding myself in that familiar dark place that I hate to be in. The place where it takes all the energy in the world to get out of bed in the morning. The place where I get to work, sit at my desk and start to cry. The place where everything is happening all around me and I don’t care. I am too upset and wrapped up in my own thoughts to feel happy.
I need some control and perspective. I need some support – even though I know there is none. I want to SI to feel a sense of normalcy and in control. My SI is mainly a form of self-punishment, but every once in a while it is that control and empowerment piece. I need that now. I feel so weak with all that is going on (I don’t think I can take the tears anymore, or the way my head feels when I am so anxious the point of passing out). I need to feel like I can take control. That I have power and am capable of something. I want to SI. But I am choosing not too, because I know there are other ways. What I am having a problem with is figuring out what those other ways are. Distractions (reading, walking, etc) are not helping like they sometimes do. I feel weak, out of control, and in a very dark place. SI can help get me me out temporarily, but I want other options.