Today was a very hard day in my head. It was very hard to stay sober. I have had the feeling all day of not being in my own body. Like all these people are around me and talking and moving and all I hear is a mumbled loud chaos and I can’t pick any of it apart or listen to the words coming out of the mouth of the person talking directly to me. The professor is speaking and I want to listen but I can’t break through the fog of my mind and that feeling of being far away from my physical self. I feel no sympathy, empathy, love, fear, or sadness. Only anger or nothing. It came and went all day. This evening I did everything I learned to do over the past two years and still that empty dark painful feeling is in me and I cannot get it out. I injured myself today, trying to make it go away, to lift the fog, to bring me back but it didn’t work. The few seconds that it did work to sharpen my mind, it is probably not worth the scars later. I had no feelings while doing it. Nothing, like a black hole. It was completely ineffective. I am calm now and normal, except I feel like I’ve been on a crazy emotional roller coaster for weeks and I’ve crashed and I’m so exhausted somewhere deeper inside than physically that I have my head on the pillow now and my eyes are heavy. I hope tomorrow will be better.