Hi. I am not really sure what I am doing. well… I guess I have a slight understanding. I want to stop my SI. What I am not sure of is why I am writing a blog about it. I mean I am not really that good at writing. I will probably share my story on here, then never go back on again… but here it goes. I am not that old, so when I was depressed, my family just brushed it off as a phase. I sat alone. I was utterly alone. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not alone anymore. I have people I care about and that’s all that matters in my world. I would do anything for the people I love and care for. If only I felt the same about myself.. Well, when I was in the lowest of the lows in my life, someone reached out to me. Made me feel like I was important. I didn’t believe him at first of course… but I eventually gave into his “game”. I joined a program call UB. For up coming college students and stuff like that. I made more friends there then I had ever in my entire life. I had lots of fun and have been in it ever sense. Maybe UB was what saved me. I don’t know, But I am so grateful for everyone in that program and what they have done for me. a little after my first summer of UB I began to believe it was too good to be true. I wanted to SI. So I did. well I told my councilor at UB and he told me to call a suicide hotline. I did… and they hung up on me. maybe I was just not worth their time or whatever, but I knew then that I had a plan. But I was taken to a hospital before anything bad happened. I was hand cuffed and told it was illegal to do what I was doing. I was a disgrace. when I got there, A woman treated me with kindness and was gentle. But then when my mother left she asked me about my religious beliefs. I didn’t say anything and she began to yell at me, saying I was a waste and no one wanted me, and if I would have killed myself I would not be accepted anywhere. then she left me in my room. when I got home, I was greeted with smiles and tears. I even had many messages from friends who described me for how much they loved me. I wish I could reach out and talk to someone but I cant. if I scare them like that again I couldn’t forgive myself. I want nothing more then the happiness of the people around me. Well after a while I didn’t SI for a while. until one day, I lost a friend. then another. in the same week. one friend in which a month earlier I had told her she was a terrible person and I didn’t want her in my life. it wasn’t true but you probably know how being young is. I ws terribly sad.. well in the next 3 years I have lost my grandmother and four more friends. I couldn’t handle it.. well I cant really handle it at all anymore. All these friends I have lost have been 21 and younger. and all been related to cars, although my grandmother died of the flu and my friend of 19 was murdered. I don’t know how to forgive myself for not being there for them and to know they might have not known people care about them… well that hurts a lot inside. I cant stand it. So SI seemed to be the only option for me. well remember the boy who reached out to me? he found those marks and man.. he was worried. we stayed up until 6 in the morning while he lectured me. he told me that he wants to know if I feel sad and he wants to be there for me and he is not giving me a choice. I love that kid so much. He believes in me more then anyone in the world and I don’t really know what I would do without him. but soon I will be moving across state and he will do the same… but in the opposite direction. I will feel so utterly alone again and it scares me to death. I want to tell him to stop and come with me more then anything, but I wont. I want him to do what makes him happy, and that will make more happy in the end. I will get it together for him. but I am having a hard time doing that. I hate it. *sigh* well… farewell and goodnight. lord knows I wont.