I havnt been on in a while.  I havnt really needed to Si.  I dont need to tonight.  I just wanted to talk I guess.  To share my fears, my feelings, my thoughts.  I kept my tool with me every time I went to school these last few weeks, but have not acted on any of my impulses. Which makes me really proud of myself.  I feel really good this time.  I cant say I wont relapse, but im in a good place.  I finished the admission process to grad school.  I find out soon if I got in or not.  The waiting part is going to kill me. (not literally).  but I hope i get in.  I really tried to open up.  About as much as I allow myself to open up.   I hate telling people who i really am.  I hate saying I injure.  I hate saying my body has scars.  I hate that I have to wear cardigans over almost all of my shirts.   But this is the life I chose to live, i have to deal with it now.  Whatever, I get it, ill spend the rest of my life doing this I dont care though.  But if someone were to ask me, I dont think i could handle sharing it.  These people i share a class with, Ill be in classes with them for the next almost three years.  something is bound to slip, and im scared of that moment.  I feel this part of me has to stay hidden, but everyone is so open in class.  They share everything.  heck this lady shared her adoption story!! I can probably share that I self harm.  Well.  But heres the thing.  I dont si constantly.  So does that make me a former si-er?  Does that make me current si-er?  Whats that make me?  Do i say i used to struggle with it? or that I do struggle with it.  Because to be honest I give in if the going gets too hard.  I feel the main reason I havnt sied in a while is because ive been sick.  Ive had so much physical pain, i didnt feel the need to si.  I know that sounds dumb.  I know it sounds shallow and stupid, but its the truth.   What am i going to do when the going gets tough and I cant handle not si-ing anymore??  What am i going to do when I start running tomorrow and have to watch what I eat?  I cant just say I was a former si-er. Because to be honest i am terrified of what is to come for me. Im going to start training for a 5k.  Which brings on my food issues.  Im going on a diet.  Which is going to bring on many more food issues.  You would think for being over weight i wouldnt worry so much about eating.  WRONG.  Its all I constantly think of.  I dont want to go back to binging and purging.  My biggest fear is my heart is going to give out one day, because of all the abuse I put my body through.  Im going to try really hard to not binge this time.  Im going to try to keep my diet under control to where I dont need to harm my body with food.  I think in this process keeping the eating under control is a little more important than si.  Si hasnt been an issue in almost two months though, i hope I can just keep that up some more.  I hate that my constant weight battle is a constant battle for hurting myself in one way or another.  I hate this.  I hate my body for doing this, and I hate my mind for putting my body through this.  I hate my mind for thinking it has to hurt my body.  And I hate myself for acting out on silly thoughts. See, this is the stuff i dont want to surface in class.  I dont want my classmates knowing im this compelte crazy who is obsessed with every bite of food, every tool I find, and every scar i have.   They cant know that I would give anything to si again.  They cant know my secrets.  I just cant let them know that. Idk, my goal for the next 24 hours is to get through them safely.  I dont doubt I will.  These are all thoughts tonight.  No actions are going to be taken, for im simply too tired.  Being sick for the last two weeks has drained my body of any urgency to hurt itself.  Ha! Who wouldve thought being sick would be the reason I dont si.  I know ive been sick enough this year!!  Anyway, im done tonight.  Im surprised that all came out in one piece.  well….kind of. Good night everyone, and stay safe <3  i promise I will too.