I’ve been getting on the blog a lot lately, I don’t necessarily post a lot but I do read through the blogs frequently. In a way I guess I’ve been using the blog to try to calm myself and assure myself that I’m fine, that there’s other people out there going through the same things and worse. I can look at it from another angle too though, I don’t really have any close friends … it’s debatable if I have any friends at all. I’ve regressed a bit, I’ve lost or am in the process of losing whatever friends I have/had and blogging and reading other people’s posts helps fill the gap a little bit. I feel like I’m a really pathetic excuse of a person because of this though. I realize how awful it is that I can’t manage to maintain friendships or social ties with people. If someone were to analyze it though, I bet they would find me capable of maintaining friendships and note that their gradual decline is a result of me giving them up. I feel like I might as well not bother having or trying to have friends if I can’t even figure out what’s going on inside of myself as it is. I’m a mess right now, I can’t get myself to actually care about anything enough to do more than just survive. I know that I’m falling behind in school and it bothers me because normally academics are really important to me but I really can’t muster up the energy to even try in school again. I feel like choosing to stay didn’t do very much for me, yeah I’m still here and breathing but I’m just going through the motions. I feel like if I’m not actually enjoying life that I really shouldn’t bother to stay I doubt anything is going to get better later on. I’ve been stuck in the rut with SI for just over four years now … nothing is getting better. Whenever I make progress and start to improve I crash hard again to the point where I don’t see any point in trying to move forward …. I’m obviously not getting anywhere. …… And I guess I’m done rambling for now