I haven’t been here for a while. I feel like I would live to have a tantrum. I’m scared. I would like to sabotage my life. I would like to cling to therapy where I feel safe. I feel very scared. On the outside I was an upstanding citizen and parent today. I applied everything I have learned about assertiveness, politiced, didn’t take no for an answer, was effective. But there is now a kickback of feeling drained. And compounding that is the fact that I am supposed to go away for a few nights starting tomorrow morning. I want for myself to have this experience – it will be rewarding, is important for my job, and generally everything I have worked so hard to gain the freedom to be able to do. But exploding my life so I have to stay home sounds perfect. I learned in therapy today – saw myself get overly rational because something disturbed me then as the subject stayed there and more feelings around it came to light – bam- dizzy. I was safe. Not so bad. I got normal again fast. I don’t know which if these factors has triggered the way I feel right now. Also had a long conversation with my ex which was unusually productive. It’s all too much for me. I look fine in the outside but I am feeling fine on the inside. – …but um only not ok to the extent to which I believe I am not ok? Maybe. Figuring out why is fruitless. I know that. I know this is a time for just trying to sooth myself. That’s what a tantrum of some sort would do for me. Calm me. Make me feel in control- though the truth is that that stuff takes power from me – it doesn’t give me power. I will be fine once I get out if town. I can talk to the friend I am staying with too and tell her. … I guess I just don’t want her to get overly helpful to me – I need her to be normal- I can tell her that though…. This is to much thinking. I can not think my way out. I can calm, relax my way out. …. I don’t want to be feeling like this. I want life to be easier for me. I don’t like that leaving town disrupts my schedule.