I did something with my self injury that I’ve only done one other time with one other person and it was my mom then. This time it was my AA sponsor. I was so mad at her because she hasn’t been calling me back or texting me back. I went to extreme measures and I wish I hadn’t. I haven’t told anyone about this of course, I’m ashamed. Now I’ll forever have this mark on my body and it only hurts me, not her. She’ll never even know. That’d be a sure way to lose a friend if I told her. I told my therapist in our session yesterday. I couldn’t say I wanted to write it down but she wanted me to say it out loud and I don’t really understand why but it took a while because I was scared. And ashamed. So I told her in detail what happened, what I was thinking, what I did, and she asked me to say to her what I was trying to communicate by doing what I did and it was so uncomfortable and hard to say it out loud. I don’t want to do this anymore but in the moment it’s so overwhelming. No excuse, I know better! I knew better when I started it and I kept pushing it and now two months later here I am, SIing regularly. I have almost no feelings towards drinking, if I didn’t have my partner and my relationship at stake I’d have started drinking already. I go through phases where I am doing it for me, and others where I am doing it for her. Whatever works though is my philosophy. I feel so scared for myself and at the same time trying to take control and not let this control me. Someone I know is struggling with her Mother being addicted to drugs and she asked me to explain addiction to her because she knows about me and my story. So I explained what it’s like for me. I feel trapped in the grip of addiction right now except that I’m not actively drinking. But my mind is the same. In my class last semester the definition of addiction was “the compulsion to use despite the negative consequences.” Whatever. I’m over it. I’m rambling now and I just wanted to blog to talk about it and now I don’t want to. I’m tired and irritable now. I want to be left alone but alone feels so sad and empty.