Feeling kind of bad right now … I convinced myself that I wanted to go swim suit shopping earlier today. I haven’t really studied myself in a mirror lately, in fact I kind of avoid seeing myself in mirrors. So when I was trying on swim suits I got a look at myself … like a real look, what people would see on my skin if I didn’t cover it up. I felt absolutely sick when I realized the extent of the damage that I’ve done to my skin. I hadn’t realized that it was so bad … I couldn’t get myself to buy a swimsuit because I couldn’t get past what I look like. All I could think about was, how am I going to explain this to people? And then I realized that I’m always trying to lose weight to finally achieve that look, and that it will never happen. No matter how much weight I lose, I’ll always be all marked up … I’ll always look wrong. I know it seems silly to worry so much about appearance but as a result of previous bullying, it’s a big deal to me. I just feel so numb … my cure has become my poison.