I’m so grateful for this blog right now. I need to vent. I need to vent in words and not by hurting myself. I feel like no one cares about me and I’m angry. I call my sponsor and she didn’t return my call last night, so I called another person in AA and that helped for a few minutes. Then I felt that pain inside and I called my therapist and she talked to me for a little bit, gave me a suggestion, told me to text her if it worked and call again if it didn’t. I took a warm shower and calmed down and then I couldn’t fall asleep. I wanted to take a bottle of sleeping pills. I still want to but I don’t want to die, I just want to sleep through this and wake up better. I zoned out in class today, I can’t sit still but I have no energy to do anything. I feel like I NEED alcohol, like I need water and water. I can’t stand the thought of not having self-injury. I can’t stand the thought of being alone with myself. I’m alone now, at school, in a hallway that’s deserted because most people have gone home by now. This is when I get into trouble, the bathrooms are all empty, there aren’t many students in the whole school and there is never anyone in this hallway, but there are computers so this is what I’m doing. I don’t want to feel like this, it’s old and I’ve this. I’m in a lot of pain emotionally and I keep saying that and saying that but I can’t explain it. It’s very frustrating telling my partner, she ask me what’s wrong and I tell her I don’t know and I’m vague but it’s not because I don’t want to tell her, I don’t know how to tell her. I’m not good with expressing with words how I feel. I’m sure a lot of us arent. That’s not really the case now though, I DON’T KNOW, I don’t know where it hurts, I don’t know WHY it hurts, and I don’t know what to do about it because nothing is working. An IV of meds sounds good. I feel desperate. I dealt with this for years and years but I had alcohol and pills and self injury to help, it numbed this and it was destructive and slowly killing me but it was better than this. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stand it. There is a hole and I feel like only a substance will fill it.  I could drink and drink and drink until I feel nothing. It wouldn’t take much I have no tolerance now. I’m scared of alcohol just like I’m getting scared of my SI. I always need more and more and more and it’s never enough. In NA they say one is too many and a thousand is never enough. This has to go away, I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m not in self-pity, I’m miserable and I WANT it to go away. I don’t know how to stop my mind from racing and being mean to me. I don’t want to be touched but I crave it, I have an insatiable need to be held all the time but it’s never enough, it doesn’t fill me up. I just needed to say all that. I have an hour and a half to kill before I’m not alone anymore. My night class was cancelled so I’m waiting waiting waiting. I can’t reach out anymore, no one will listen, I don’t have the words, and I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m being genuine and vulnerable and I’m so afraid someone will tell me I’m not that I don’t think I can talk to ONE more person. It’s not about alcohol or drugs or self-injury, it is but it’s not. It’s about making this pain inside me go away and I need it to go away.