I’m beat. In AA they say when you get in enough pain you’ll be willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober. Unless the desire to drink outweighs the desire to stay sober. I broke down tonight with this battle inside of me. I didn’t mean to I just said it out loud to my partner that I can’t do it anymore, keep up with this sober stuff. I’ve been SIing more often than I ever have in my life. Just in this short time my tolerance, like a drug, has gone up and I have to do it worse to get the same effect and I’ve never crossed into this territory before. I want to reach out but what do I say? I can call my therapist but I have nothing I can say to her that I haven’t already said. I can’t even explain it to myself, I just feel these waves of a lot of inner pain somewhere deep inside of me and they come and go and in the midst of it I’ve been SIing. Even when I feel fine I am SIing. I want to reach out but I have no words. I wonder if this is a low part of recovery, the lowest I’ve felt yet, or if this is relapse. It’s whatever I choose for it to be, and no matter how out of control of it or how addicted to it I feel, self injury is also my choice. It’s a very hard choice, I gave it to those initial urges to do it, kept doing it, and now I feel like I have no defense and I feel addicted and I feel like the drug addict me itching for the next high. The high that only last a couple minutes, it’s calming and it comforts me immensely, but I am left feeling like this. I’m in a enough pain today that I need to drink or I need to do something drastic to help myself. I want to drink more than I want to stay sober.