I’ve been injuring etc for over ten years and so my SI has passed through various phases and methods. I’ve never been one of those who are ashamed of SI etc or who try hard to stop doing it, I embrace it really but still the last few years I do it rarely, often not for months. But at the same time I think it’s become an integral part of my mindset, self destructiveness that is. It’s no longer (if it ever was!) just a question of doing or not doing physical harm to my skin, but I see myself being deliberately self destructive in other ways too especially in moments of anxiety; it can be by means of deliberately isolating myself socially from other people, by overeating (which I know always makes me hate myself)and probably many other ways. Lately I was diagnosed with a cronic illness and I’m not devastated about it as any ‘normal’ person would be…I can’t say it to anyone for obviously they’d think I’m nuts but I know that I’m actually sort of happy about this new-found illness and in some aspect feel it equal to SI…I suppose I’ve come to drive a sort of pleasure out of feeling like a victim in some way, even if only in private (I don’t go around broadcasting my “ailments” to people!)..I don’t know if I’m explaining myself very well but I guess how I see it is that SI for me – though I’ve learned to use it as a response in various circumstances – first and foremost is a way of making visible (even if rarely to other people!) and ‘more real’ the inner feelings of self-loathing, anxiety, loneliness etc and I feel like that can also be achieved in non-physical ways, like having a serious illness in my body (something ‘real’) or by being socially isolated (something visible) for example. Overeating’s another story – being both a major cause of my SI and I’d say occasionally also a form of SI…I can distinguish times when I hate myself and deliberately eat more in order to hate myself more, in order to ‘fall deeper’, with the same idea as with injuring etc: to make myself worse, hoping to end up worse for once, in order for something ‘real’ to happen, that would in turn bring forth a permanent change of some sort…yes, very ambiguous or mysterious-sounding, eh? 🙂
Don’t know if any of this has made any sense to anyone but oh well…