I went into my daughter’s room this morning after she left for school. Today I found the first aid kit and a box of bandages …normally these are in our bathroom. She has had the antiseptic spray and antibacterial ointment in her bathroom for a while now and it makes my heart sink every time I see them. I am struggling so much right now because I feel like I have lost my daughter. She’s 14 1/2. We are seeing the counselor again tonight. My daughter does not talk to me about anything important. The therapist told me not to ask any questions and let her come to me. Same for her father. I feel like she is living in a different world that I am shut out of. It is so scary. The only time she talks to me in a kind voice is when she wants something. We have a long drive home from school everyday…about 30/40 minutes. She is mostly silent. Some days it doesn’t bother me much and other days I just feel depleted. I wish kids understood that their parents are HUMAN BEINGS with feelings too! I know teen years are tough. Especially these days with social media and pressure coming from every angle.
I would love some advice from a teenager on how to approach her. My daughter does no sports, refuses. She doesn’t have any after school activities. We tried from when she was small…girl scouts, 4h, kung fu, art lessons, dance lessons, volunteering at the Humane Society. None of these things stuck. After enough refusal to try anything, we (my husband and I) sort of gave up I guess. The battle became too much after a while. We have another child too …her 10 year old brother. I feel sad for him that he basically has no relationship with his big sister. She is so secretive. I am now (I’m ashamed to admit) sort of afraid of my daughter. I am afraid to discipline her if she talks snotty because I’m afraid she’ll hurt herself. I just discovered I think she’s having an eating disorder too…I had one when I was 15-19, so I understand this and I see the signs.
The therapist tells me there’s really nothing I can do except be strong and continue being her mother. I feel so alienated from the world right now…I see pictures of other mother’s daughters on FB (who used to be my daughter’s friends in grade school) all smiling and achieving and doing lots of healthy stuff and instead of being happy for them, my heart sinks. My daughter has pierced her septum, stretched her ears, dyed her hair many different colors – right now it’s black and blue. She wears black eyeshadow – won’t go outside. I am so sick of this. I thought it was just a phase when she started dying her hair in 7th grade…I have been waiting for this to take a turn. If she had a positive attitude and was healthy, the style wouldn’t bother me so much. I wish I could make my daughter see how special she is and make her understand that she has so much to offer the world. She only has one girlfriend that she ever does anything with…and that is rarely. She is very attached to her boyfriend who we like but I worry what she will do if they every break up.
I actually feel angry at my daughter at times. Then I feel deeply sad for her. It hurts a mother to the core to witness a child deliberately hurting herself and it makes it even worse that she won’t talk to me at all. I know I’m not supposed to ruminate about the past but I am constantly wondering where did we go wrong..this is useless I know.
I am so tired of the negativity of this…it’s dominating my mind. It’s putting a strain on the family. My husband can’t say one thing to her without her biting his head off. He has been working really hard to not engage her but it’s hard.
Well, that’s it. I needed to get this out of my system. Living like this is so hard because we as mothers want to protect our kids. In the end there are no guarantees about life…and that’s a hard thing to swallow.
Hi,
It can be a very daunting task to approach someone about self-injury. It is uncomfortable for both the person and the person approaching them; they realize they engage in the behaviour and that it is often observable, but are not considering being approached about the topic.
It’s hard to say how to do approach her about it; you’ve mentioned that she is reluctant to talk to you or your husband and can be irritable when she does speak to you. Honestly, I would ask her about it on the car ride home; you said that you have a rather long ride home from school, maybe approaching the topic gently from this angle would work. Again, it is near impossible to say because everyone is different. As an initial topic you could ask something like ‘I clean your room a bit today, and I found the first aid kit. Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself on something?’ It sounds kind of cliche, but it might work, but maybe not; you can then dig a little deeper.
The therapist will be able to give you some better methods to engage your daughter.
gdaem@live.com
I read your story and it felt very familiar. My daughter told me last Saturday that she self-injures, and even though she’s already hooked up with a therapist, it’s so terrifying. I saw proof on her sheets yesterday and it hit me in the gut. You were right when you said it’s so upsetting for a parent to see. My daughter, who is also 14 and a half, also went through a stage with black/blue hair and heavy eye makeup. But as she did in that case, I can only hope that she will phase out of this, as well. I think all we can do as parents is stay as close as we can with them, get them to professional help, and love them. And pray.
Thank you for your replies. If nothing else, it is a good feeling to know that we are not alone in our fear and sadness.
I’m sorry if I was unclear. She already knows that I know about the SI. We have talked and I have asked why she does it…she flat out says “I will never come to you with my problems”. I can’t talk to her about this on the way home from school only because her 10 year old brother is with us and I don’t want him to know.
When she was in 7th grade, someone started a rumor about her being pregnant…I found out about this rumor from some other mothers and I asked my daughter if she knew and she said she didn’t care…I know she must have cared deep down. She had a new boyfriend and I think someone was jealous and started this stupid rumor…nonetheless, I would imagine that it made her very sad. And in 8th grade, someone said she and three other people had drugs…none of which was true, but she had her backpack searched in the principal’s office. Another thing that I would think would make you feel like someone’s out to get you. I wish kids would understand how their cruelty might affect someone. I am not saying that she started this SI because of these incidents, but I just can’t help wonder if stuff like this chipped away at her self esteem little by little until she now copes in this self destructive way. The therapist says it sounds like there might have been some sort of trauma…even this rejection from her peers could be considered trauma to some girls.
The other night after the therapist’s visit, we talked…she said she doesn’t feel a connectedness to anyone (except a few people). She said that she almost doesn’t feel like she fits in with the human race…she doesn’t feel human. Then she said I wouldn’t understand…it’s not just about fitting in with the other kids. It’s strange. She’s a very intelligent girl and has always seemed older than she is (other than her immature rudeness). I didn’t know what to say to this…but I did tell her thank you for talking to me. And I told her that if ever I have done anything that hurt her – either by yelling (which I am guilty of doing in my past – not so much anymore) or ignoring..(we all get busy and wrapped up in our work, etc.) I am sorry and it has never been that I didn’t love her but that I have made mistakes. She said she knew her father and I love her.
The therapist just read from a book about SI to my daughter (I wasn’t in the room, but my daughter told me). She said it said to draw a red mark with a marker when she feels like SI’ing. My daughter thought it was stupid and a joke and now I’m wondering about this therapist.
She said she has and is working with other teens that SI. I hope this works out.
To all of you who SI and the parents and friends of those who SI, I will pray for you. Know that in your darkest hour, you are not alone. There is that person deep down inside of you who knows that you can be strong if you allow yourself to love yourself. No one is perfect. Do something kind for yourself and do something kind for another. We are all hurting in some way…all of us. Those who have hurt us in the past or are hurting us in the present…they have been hurt. Life is a bumpy road…I’m learning more bumpy than I ever thought it would be and nothing is permanent. I think we all need to forgive ourselves for being human and vulnerable and imperfect. I just want to give all of you a warm hug and tell you that it will all be okay. It’s taken me 44 years to learn to look outside at the beautiful trees and sunlight and know that this is really the only moment I have…this moment…tomorrow is way off and yesterday is gone.
Susan, I’m so sorry that your daughter also SI’s. I think you are right…professional help, love, and prayers. I have told her I am here if she ever needs to talk. Hopefully this will pass…I know it might take years. Maybe then she’ll come back to me.