In therapy on Tuesday I mentioned that I March 3rd will be exactly two years since I started therapy. That led to discussion on what’s changed and what hasn’t. Almost everything has changed for the better, or at least it has started to. One thing is I have little to no social anxiety anxiety now, I can sit at a table full of people and feel comfortable most of the time. I never would have been able to go to school before and be in classrooms of people and hallways full of people. I could probably even go to IKEA now without having an anxiety attack. So I have the anxiety under control, usually I can talk myself down and breathe and sit through it. If I can’t, then I recognize what it is and it’s better than before. I’m not actively drinking or using drugs anymore. I think of it almost constantly but I’m not doing it. I’m not suicidal all the time, that’s big. I can communicate better. My relationship with my family has improved dramatically, my relationship with my partner is  much more open and honest on my end. Not always, not right now, but in general.  Those are some of the things I came up with. I’m still SIing. I’ve gone long periods of time without doing it, but I’m doing it now and that is bad. I do it now for completely different reasons than two years ago though. Before I did it because I hated myself and it was mostly for self-punishment. Now I’m doing it because it comforts me and it brings me out of my fog and gives me a rush briefly. I’m ashamed of my behavior. I especially feel like a freak because I do this ritualistic stuff and it’s weird. It’s like I know as I’m doing it that this is weird but I do it anyway. I don’t think it’s ok of me but I also don’t feel like stopping. I do, but it seems like too big of a task or something. There is something comforting to me about going through the whole process of what I do, and then the act itself, and then it’s over and the feelings are over and my minds goes back to being foggy and muddy where I feel like I’m not myself. I’m back to my perfectionist self with school. I was like that all through elementary, middle, and high school until I went through this depression thing in junior year of high school. I SI a lot at school. I know I shouldn’t bring tools and supplies with me, but I do. I bring them everywhere with me because I feel trapped when I don’t. I’ve read so many books and researched so much about self-harm and how it makes sense someone would do that but when it comes to myself I still feel like a freak right now. I’m disgusted by my impulsivity and my rituals and having to hide it. I feel unable to stop, but I CAN, I know I can. I HAVE before. It helps the craving to drink go away, sometimes the craving to drink is tortuous. So dramatic sounding, I know. But it is, it takes over my mind and body and it’s all I can think of. AA is great, it saved me in the beginning and maybe once I get a car and I am more involved I will love it again. AA is great for alcoholic, but it’s not great for all this other stuff, they just tell you to get over it, turn it over to your “higher power” and let it go. Whatever. So much of me is healthier. The past month or so I’m a mess, I am, and I’m SIing so often and slamming doors and throwing things and feeling empty, but I recognize even while I feel crazy now, I’m not like before. I don’t feel hopeless in recovery as a whole, I am getting better, but clearly there is a lot I need to work on. I reread the Bodily Harm book because I used it as a reference for a research paper I did for my group counseling class and a part that always sticks out to me is where is says simply that happy people don’t hurt themselves. It makes me realize this is not ok and there IS something going on, it’s not all in my imagination. I feel like the 17 year old hiding in the bathroom stall at lunchtime.