I am feeling an incredibly strong urge to SI right now. I don’t want to, and have no one to talk to, so this blog seemed like an appropriate place to try and articulate some feelings and be heard.
I disclosed something very personal to a group of people this evening. It is not a counseling group, but similar. Normally I am extremely quiet and reserved in talking about myself. Well, feeling pressure to share I disclosed parts of my abusive childhood. (somehow this seems safer to disclose that SI because I am still so protective of SI and am always afraid of the judgement). Anyway… after others had shared, there seemed to be this understanding and compassion for that person. When I shared I felt isolated and shut off. I don’t know…maybe it was my irrational thinking – which is very possible. But part of me went to the automatic thought of not being validated. When I have brought abuse up before in other (very rare) situations I always get this feeling of “suck it up”, “it’s not a big deal”, “why do you still care about something that happened a long time ago”. These thoughts just flood my head and make me feel so ashamed of myself. That is how I felt and still feel. After I had shared it felt okay, but then the topic switched to someone else and that was okay, but I felt so weird and isolated. Maybe it is because I don’t share a lot and I did this time. I don’t know what I was expecting to happen, but… it just feel bad and awkward now.
I get so angry at myself for my inability to open my mouth and just say something. I get angry that it is so hard for me to articulate a feeling out loud. It also goes to the feeling of being not worthy. In the group I feel that I am not worthy to talk and share. Others have more important things to say and can articulate what they want to say so well that it helps others. I don’t think I can do that.
I am in a state of confusion and shame right now. I don’t know how to be at peace with my decision to disclose – because I can’t take it back. I don’t want pity or attention, but some acknowledgement and a little validation would be okay. I feel so incredibility alone. I feel like I just open myself up to let someone see and….well…I don’t know. I just feel exposed, but disregarded and now I am just walking around incredibility vulnerable and unsure of what to do or how to feel.
I want to SI to punish myself for talking but then also being silent. I want to punish myself for feeling like this. I want to punish myself for my inability to express what I am feeling. It is so weird to be in this moment and not know what to do – with literally no one to talk to who would get it. And maybe part of me feels the need to SI because that is not something I tell people about, so I can SI knowing it is still one secret that is mine. I have control over this information at least and it is not exposed (well, unless I allow it to be).
I am sorry…I don’t know if I am making sense. I just wasn’t sure what to do in this moment. And for all my silence and that comfort of being silent, I still needed to get this out and be heard. So thank you, SAFE Blog, for providing this space. It was desperately needed in this moment.
Wow. You may think that you were not making sense, but I feel as though you’ve articulated some of my own thoughts. I am dealing with a similar issue of “why aren’t you just over it….it happened a long time ago”. Only difference is that it’s my husband who is portraying that to me. As if any part of you really WANTS to think about or relive your past traumas. I also know exactly what you’re saying about feeling “exposed”. A good friend that I just recently confessed my SI issues to told her husband. He just so happens to be the senior minister at my church. I thought (even though I feel so awkward and ashamed that he knows) that he would possibly reach out to me. He hasn’t, and that has just left me even more raw. The silence is painful. But anyway, so thak you for your post. It makes me feel a little less crazy that someone shares some of the same thoughts and feelings.