I am feeling an incredibly strong urge to SI right now. I don’t want to, and have no one to talk to, so this blog seemed like an appropriate place to try and articulate some feelings and be heard.
I disclosed something very personal to a group of people this evening. It is not a counseling group, but similar. Normally I am extremely quiet and reserved in talking about myself. Well, feeling pressure to share I disclosed parts of my abusive childhood. (somehow this seems safer to disclose that SI because I am still so protective of SI and am always afraid of the judgement). Anyway… after others had shared, there seemed to be this understanding and compassion for that person. When I shared I felt isolated and shut off. I don’t know…maybe it was my irrational thinking – which is very possible. But part of me went to the automatic thought of not being validated. When I have brought abuse up before in other (very rare) situations I always get this feeling of “suck it up”, “it’s not a big deal”, “why do you still care about something that happened a long time ago”. These thoughts just flood my head and make me feel so ashamed of myself. That is how I felt and still feel. After I had shared it felt okay, but then the topic switched to someone else and that was okay, but I felt so weird and isolated. Maybe it is because I don’t share a lot and I did this time. I don’t know what I was expecting to happen, but… it just feel bad and awkward now.
I get so angry at myself for my inability to open my mouth and just say something. I get angry that it is so hard for me to articulate a feeling out loud. It also goes to the feeling of being not worthy. In the group I feel that I am not worthy to talk and share. Others have more important things to say and can articulate what they want to say so well that it helps others. I don’t think I can do that.
I am in a state of confusion and shame right now. I don’t know how to be at peace with my decision to disclose – because I can’t take it back. I don’t want pity or attention, but some acknowledgement and a little validation would be okay. I feel so incredibility alone. I feel like I just open myself up to let someone see and….well…I don’t know. I just feel exposed, but disregarded and now I am just walking around incredibility vulnerable and unsure of what to do or how to feel.
I want to SI to punish myself for talking but then also being silent. I want to punish myself for feeling like this. I want to punish myself for my inability to express what I am feeling. It is so weird to be in this moment and not know what to do – with literally no one to talk to who would get it. And maybe part of me feels the need to SI because that is not something I tell people about, so I can SI knowing it is still one secret that is mine. I have control over this information at least and it is not exposed (well, unless I allow it to be).
I am sorry…I don’t know if I am making sense. I just wasn’t sure what to do in this moment. And for all my silence and that comfort of being silent, I still needed to get this out and be heard. So thank you, SAFE Blog, for providing this space. It was desperately needed in this moment.