I write tonight in a state of feeling overwhelmed by so much. Nothing seems to make sense right now. I shared a couple of weeks ago now with my husband about the SI. He was really weird around me for the first week or so, but has since barely even brought it up. So I feel so alone even when I feel I shouldn’t. Why am I not allowed to mess up… to hurt…. to just be human? Everyone else is. I’m supposed to just pull it together and be perfect. Apparently according to my husband, I’m also supposed to just be over a traumatic event that happened before we were together because it was before his time. Am I just supposed to be over it? I’m also in this weird place again of having friends who have inexplicably ditched me. One is going through a divorce and has chosen to just shut out people. The other was a close and dear friend at church who she and her husband recently left our church for reasons that are unclear. For whatever reason she has not spoken to me since. How is it that people can let you get close and attatched one day, and act as though you don’t matter the next? Am I really that awful of a person? I do not give away trust easily…. and this is a great example of why. What’s the point? You let people in only to have them brush you off like garbage….. like you just don’t matter. I sit tonight wondering if I do. I couldn’t stop crying in the shower earlier. I hate that for whatever reason I can only cry alone. It makes it just hurt that much more. I was having this recurring thought earlier thinking what if my two boys grow up and they don’t really love me either? That probably sounds ridiculous. They are a big part of what’s keeping me here. They bring joy and light into my pain and give me a sense of purpose. I am trying to focus on that tonight, but just feel so overwhelmed and so alone.