I feel as though I’ve disappointed her- the girl that I love. I haven’t told her what I’ve done, but she probably saw it after school today. For all I know, she didn’t even notice the injuries; showing where I technically self harmed. I’m just wondering if I’m going to do it again before she sees me tomorrow.
After what happened last night with my mom, I don’t care that I let myself feel pain. It was enough to remind me that I’m here, that I’m alive, that I don’t have to keep the tears inside of my heart forever. But the harming wasn’t enough to do any damage. I want to do it again, and even though this technically isn’t a form of self mutilation, I still feel guilty for doing this.
Why should I feel guilty for this? She doesn’t know. She doesn’t have to know. It’s not like this effects anyone but me. But I’m beginning to feel alone again. Although I know that I’m not alone, I feel as is though the heart dully pulsing in my chest is the only companion I have. Why is this? Why do I feel like this? Why do I over think everything so much that I end up writing out these songs about the aching in my heart, and the way that I feel dead inside when I know that there is a heart beating in my chest.
And now I’m ranting to the internet- billions of people who couldn’t care less about the chaos that is the fragments of my once whole mind. My mind feels like a hole. An empty whole that is nothing more then a waste of ink, a place where only the scrambled words of my former self beg to be heard in a world of nothing more then ink on a page.
Kellie I go through alot everyday. you are deffinately not alone. I used to think I was alone. I recently lost my girlfriend when she moved to Russia on Tuesday. She was one of the ones that was struck by the Meteor that hit today. But I wanted to injure myself so bad today but I didnt cause I know that my mom would send me away if she saw injuries. I really want to do it, but I work through it by writing stories. You are doing great by writing songs. I know exactly how you feel. If you ever need someone to talk to at any point that your not in school write me.
Kellie you are deffinately not alone. I used to think I was alone. I just recently lost my girlfriend, she moved to Russia on Tuesday and she was one of the ones that was killed by the Meteor that hit there today. I wanted to injure so bad, but if I did my mom would send me away. I write stories to keep my mond off thigns. You are doing great by writing songs. Look it might seem a bit awkward but if you ever need someone to talk to any time you are not in school I am here to talk to. I live in Arizona. I do not know where you live. But I am always here. You are not alone Kellie. Just remember that.
Kellie, what Whitney said is true. You are not alone. There are so many people on this site that will listen to you, myself included. Writing songs is a good idea to keep your mind off things. I just write in my diary and listen to music. Along with Whitney, you can talk to me whenever you need to. I live in Scotland but I am always here as well.