Well, I finally did it.  I told my husband yesterday about my issues with SI.  I’m not entirely sure how he’s taking it as of yet.  At first he was tearful and sensitive.  But then he seemed a little panicky…. trying to make me promise him that I wouldn’t do it again.   I couldn’t respond to that.  He kept saying how the wounds could get infected and how much our two boys need me.  As if I didn’t already know that.  They are what keeps me here…..what gives me purpose and a reason to get out of bed each day.  Anyway, I told him other things…. about PTSD and about the anxiety I feel when he’s not around.  I keep asking him how he’s doing, but wondering why everything always has to be about everyone else.  He is soaking up this new and difficult knowledge, yet has not once since asked how I’m doing.  Truth is, I’m not doing great.  I feel weirdly dissconected and numb.  I feel like a wound was opened too fast, before I could fully even process what is happening.  It’s so surreal.  To have something that has been a dark ugly secret in your life for nearly 22 years suddenly brought out into the light is a lot to take in.  I just don’t want things to be weird with him.  We have been married for over 6 years, but have been together for a little over 10 years.  He saved my life in so many ways….. I can’t lose him over this, yet even with all that’s at stake I gave in tonight anyway.  What is wrong with me?  I feel so out of control.