Well, I finally did it. I told my husband yesterday about my issues with SI. I’m not entirely sure how he’s taking it as of yet. At first he was tearful and sensitive. But then he seemed a little panicky…. trying to make me promise him that I wouldn’t do it again. I couldn’t respond to that. He kept saying how the wounds could get infected and how much our two boys need me. As if I didn’t already know that. They are what keeps me here…..what gives me purpose and a reason to get out of bed each day. Anyway, I told him other things…. about PTSD and about the anxiety I feel when he’s not around. I keep asking him how he’s doing, but wondering why everything always has to be about everyone else. He is soaking up this new and difficult knowledge, yet has not once since asked how I’m doing. Truth is, I’m not doing great. I feel weirdly dissconected and numb. I feel like a wound was opened too fast, before I could fully even process what is happening. It’s so surreal. To have something that has been a dark ugly secret in your life for nearly 22 years suddenly brought out into the light is a lot to take in. I just don’t want things to be weird with him. We have been married for over 6 years, but have been together for a little over 10 years. He saved my life in so many ways….. I can’t lose him over this, yet even with all that’s at stake I gave in tonight anyway. What is wrong with me? I feel so out of control.
I think your decision to tell your husband shows how brave you are. You took a huge risk, and it sound like your husband wants to support you. It seems reasonable that he might panic a little just because he may not know how to help but he wants to.
Now that he knows, would you consider couples counseling? My husband and I went a few times and I think it was beneficial. It was good for him to know that the counselor supported him in his thoughts, and it helped me know that I wasn’t the only one trying to communicate what SI is about to him.
That was really brave of you to tell him. I remember when I told my partner. We’ve been together five and a half years. When we were dating I told her I had struggled with it as a teenager but that I didn’t do it anymore. When I relapsed about a year into our relationship I was terrified to tell her, I was scared she’d think I was crazy or something. May r even leave me because she didn’t want to deal with me. I told her a few days ago I had done it again and she asked to see, that always makes me feel vulnerable. I let her see and she hugged me and hasn’t mentioned it since. I get the feeling she is worried I’ll spiral down again or she just doesn’t want to acknowledge it. Thank you sharing. I appreciated hearing someone else’s story who is in a committed relationship.
Wow, you’ve taken a big step. I know what that feels like — it’s a relief on one hand, and terrifying on the other. It’s natural to go numb at first. It sounds like your husband has the potential to be very understanding, if you guys can help each other understand your feelings and experiences. When I told my partner of 20 years that I’d relapsed, it wasn’t pretty — she got very angry for several days. She’s always made it clear she doesn’t want to be with someone who SIs, which was actually a big motivator for me to stop for many years. But then when she went through crises of her own, and started taking her anger out on me, I slipped backwards into my old habits. Fear of losing her and being alone with my crazy head were no longer strong enough deterrents. I tried sharing it with her for awhile, and she swung back and forth from being supportive to being angry and mean — the way she expresses fear — until I stopped. Then after another conflict I slipped again, and now the cycle is still playing out. I’m currently hiding it from her (which feeds the urges even more), but once the weather changes and I switch to short sleeves, she’ll eventually find out. I’m dreading that day. It’s tough being older, with a family, and commitments, and financial entanglement — the consequences of SI are much bigger than when I was younger. I feel very despairing about this shameful secret, and at the same time I need it to regulate my emotions and feel like I’m in control. I don’t know where and how this ends.