I NEED to get a grip – ideally on something that is not self destructive. My thoughts are so negative lately and I allow them to be. I allow myself to act this way and continue to be this way, and I allow my abusive past to be the reason. When will I stop allowing those experiences to rule my thoughts and behaviors. I can’t open up to people, I don’t show emotion, I can be real with people because 1) I don’t really know how and 2) I am so afraid of getting hurt or rejected. I want to shout out sometimes and just tell someone everything – but I can’t because I don’t have that type of relationship with anyone. (Yes, there is my husband, but it is different). I feel so isolated – and I don’t want to take responsibility so I blame my childhood and I blame SI. I tell myself that this is why I don’t get close to people. But I don’t want to use that as an excuse anymore. However, if I take all the responsibility it just feels like there is so much pressure. Sometimes it is easier to blame other things because then I don’t feel like the failure.
It is hard to grow up internalizing all the feelings of unworthiness, and shame. It is hard to grow up and force every emotion to the darkest corner of my being. And now…I want to open all of that up and share a piece of that with the world – but I can’t. I don’t know how and sometimes it just seems easier and safer to stick to the same old me – silent, emotionless, and unworthy. It makes me so angry at myself and then angry at the people who were abusive in my life. It is all so confusing sometimes and I don’t know what to do, how to think or organize any of this. Is it still okay to be mad at the abuse? Shouldn’t I be over it? – goodness knows I been in enough therapy to be over it. Is it still okay to be angry even though I still see and function around these people like nothing ever happened those 15-20 years ago? Or should I just move on, take responsibility and just “suck it up” as someone once said to me? I need to punish myself for continuing to be angry at something I should be over, or I need to punish myself for not taking responsibility. I feel that is where I am at right now – I need that reason to figure out why I want to SI.