I don’t want to hold back anymore. I want to say how much it hurts but I don’t know WHAT hurts so I feel so stupid saying that. Sometimes I think about suicide. Not much anymore, I used to all the time. Now it’s a fleeting thought usually. Everything hurts so much when it hurts. I’m like a light switch at times. It’s embarrassing when my mood changes. It’s usually taken out on my partner. I don’t know what’s going on and it’s scaring me!!! I’m not near my cycle, nothing has changed in my environment except when the thing happened with my boss and it’s like it triggered something deep inside of me. It’s like all those symptoms the gross ugly parts of me that I hate that fall under the bpd labels in the books are in full force. Down to the very last word and I feel ashamed. I’m not usually ashamed of my issues but I am today. I feel like I should be over this. I keep SIing and I don’t know what I expect or don’t expect  I’m just doing it and watching and feeling and letting the feelings sink in. Yesterday I felt like I was floating away from myself, I was doing it and it took me to another place above myself. I didn’t like it and I started to almost cry but that didn’t break the trance. It was like these huge sobs welled up inside of me, my stomach, up to my throat but stopped there and wouldn’t come out. I want to tell someone how much this hurts. I don’t have the words and its not justified pain in my eyes. My therapist told me my pain is real. Sometimes I wish I could stay in her office all day, or on the phone with her. It can be a soothing tonic like feeling.Other times it’s frustrating and I don’t want to hear what she has to tell me.  Yesterday I just argued with everything she said. I have an overwhelming urge to send pictures to my sponsor and show her what she did to me. I am clear headed enough to resist that urge, and also to know she didn’t do that TO me, I did it to myself and I am ashamed. I talked to her today and I immediately just loved her so much and wanted her to hug me but I am trying to remain weary. I am and I’m not. I don’t want to love her this much. I don’t want to love anyone. I am tired. I have been having racing racing racing thoughts. I know dbt skills to do, but I can’t. I can. I feel like I can’t. I need to cry or scream or something to let the pain out. It won’t leave though, it’s being persistent and intense. Everything feels intense.