Well it’s been roughly 2 and a half months since I last SI’ed  Good right? I don’t Know. I just want to, need to, so badly. My family just doesn’t exist anymore. My mom just hates us all,mainly mE. I try to think that I don’t care if she hates me or not, but it gets me for some reason. I know I hate her, that’s a Given. To her I’m nothing but anembarrassment.  I try hard, but I’m just average at everything, if that. She doesn’t understand that I do my best. It’sjust never good enough. I get zero support from her and she expects me to do so well. All she does is put me down and makes me feel worthless. The insults the names, the screaming. It rips me apart. If I fail at something or don’t do well, I don’t get a “that’s ok” or “you tried your best”. Ijust get met with screaming and anger. A week ago I had an indoor rowing event (i’m on a rowing team) and I didn’t perform well. So she proceeded to yell at me and told me to go watch my other friend to see how it should be done. I just hate it all. I go to friend’s houses and see how their family is happy and makes jokes and just enjoys each other’s company. I hate seeing that. I have to hold back tears. I don’t have that and never will, or did. The only person who ever seemed to show some  sort of support was my dad, but he’s been dead a year now. I just hate it all. I hate how my mom is lying and off  “seeing” some other guy. (i would have chosen different words but I think they would have been changed). She just lies about it and I see right through it. I don’t know why but it makes me so mad. I just need to release all the pain I have built up. I need to SI again. I can’t make it to 3 months. I just want the pain to go away….