When I make a mistake, feel like I look inadequate, or look foolish my thoughts immediately go to “how can I punish myself”. For the program at school that I am in there is a lot of “feedback” that others give one another. Most of the time people are very nice and squeeze the constructive feedback in with a lot of positive. However, it doesn’t matter. All I can see is that constructive feedback – which I automatically interpret as “I messed up” and I just pile that onto all the negative self-feedback I have given myself. I know this is not rational. I can see how this is me making something bigger than it is and only seeing what I think is the “bad”. How do I stop this?! These thoughts can be so deafening and destructive. I try to tell myself that I can’t be perfect, the constructive feedback is helpful and necessary and that all the students go through this process. I just feel dumb and worthless. I feel embarrassed and want to punish myself.
It was one of those afternoons and I am having trouble trying to control my thoughts and not immediately feel the need to get out a tool and punish myself. I wish I could be more forgiving and accepting of myself in times like these.