I admit it, for the first time in my Life I am truly and wholeheartedly in love. And not just “In Love” but I love him with all my heart. He is probably the only reason I made it through the past year. But having to end the year on such a sour note, and not knowing where we stand this past year has been so heartbreaking and so difficult. I’ve never let emotions over relationships be a reason for SI, at least not much. But this is February, which on the 14th will be the 5th anniversary of my Mom, the First love of my life, passing away. And not having any support to go through this year with is taking the life out of me… It hurts so so much to feel like you’re not alone for so long and then have to go backwards. I hadn’t even realized how much he changed my outlook on things until I couldn’t see him beside me anymore. And of course I refuse to let anyone else know what’s going on because I can’t trust anyone. I learned my lesson 2 years ago when the last “best friend” I told openly about everything, decided her problems where “worse than mine” and decided to make me her scapegoat for her own disagreements and immaturity. So I think that even though it feel  SO awful to try to cope with everything without someone to vent to it’s better than venting openly, feeling better, THEN feeling 1000 times WORSE when that person decides to screw you over. I’m trying so hard to keep myself together. For the most part I’ve been doing OK, but I’ve had a few close nights where I almost gave in. The worst part of everything is the horrible loneliness…. My best friend is amazing. She tries so hard and she’s there for me so much, but of course its not the same. And she’s happily in a relationship, and while I’m so happy for her, it often reminds me all over again how sad I am. I can’t move on from it. The hurt is still too fresh and I still Love him so much. It’s at least nice to have a place to say it because We can’t really talk right now.. But I do. I love him so Much. I’d walk across the country for him. Even the world if I had too. It’s really something when you don’t even realize how lonely you are because you’re so used to it, and then someone comes along who isn’t perfect, but doesn’t have to be. Because they accept you just the way you are, flaws and all. And then amazing how heartbreaking it is when they leave and you have the terrible realization that you’ve forgotten the darkness you used to live in, and it’s now come back to swallow you whole.