I’m slowly becoming more overwhelmed. I’m stretched too thin and I don’t know what to do about it. I just want to tell everyone to stop, to give me a week to try to recover and then I’ll attempt to come back. I can’t hit stop though, everything just keeps going in fastforward-leaving me hopelessly farther and farther behind. I’m so edgy and moody lately. I’m not myself right now … or maybe this is me and my facade has just worn off, I don’t know. My mom asked me “what on earth?” and reached towards me earlier this week and I freaked out on her and got overly defensive, thinking that she was looking at a previous self-injury, when in reality she just thought I looked smaller than normal. I felt so awful for snapping at her but I couldn’t help it … I’m so jumpy lately. Then I began to panic all throughout the day because she noticed i am smaller and that my rings are a bit too loose. I’ve been working really hard to lose weight, tellling myself that if I lose enough weight I won’t need SI anymore. I know it’s not true but it’s not that hard to fool myself and it’s helped me a bit. I’m just concerned though because I’ve been planning for some months now to allow an eating disorder to take the place of SI in my life. I’d convinced myself that with an eating disorder I’d at least be able to control something. Now I’m feeling concerned about that though, if it’s already being noticed to some degree what’s it going to be like when I fully commit to it? I just feel like I can’t handle the stress anymore. School has me so stressed out right now, my classes are incredibly hard this semester and I’m terrified that I won’t be able to get my grades up in time. I feel like all my walls are crashing down; at home, at school, and mentally. I’m falling apart and there’s nothing I can do to fix it, I’m barely here at all. I just want everything to stop so badly … I just need it all to stop.
Trying to loose weight won’t help. It made me loose control completely. I felt as if I wasn’t doing it right, or that nothing would change from it, and that I was a freak for doing this. It all just led to more SI. Please, don’t do this to yourself. Believe me when I say it will just make things worse. You are perfect the way that you are, and I’m sorry you feel the need to change yourself. I know everyone always says that, but its true. Don’t let an eating disorder control you. Stop it before it happens. You are beautiful.
I connected to you so much. The falling apart, the school, the moodiness, being stretched too thin. Can you talk to anyone? Just to get everything out. Just tell someone how you feel out of control, and afraid, and just let it out. Whenever I do this, I feel like I gain some control back. Like, allowing myself to tell someone puts me back on my feet.
I know how you feel, and I’m sorry. Its so hard. Stay strong <3
You tookl the words right out of my mouth. I hope you’re doing well. Just know you’re not alone in this. Like breathe said you are beautiful dont give up! I connected to your blog post more than I have with anyone in a while. Stay strong <3